Sunday is Valentine's Day, which, no offense, is essentially a holiday for women. After all, most Valentine's commercials are for flowers, chocolates and diamonds, items not normally associated with male desires.
Currently there's a series of commercials airing for the Vermont Teddy Bears; humongous, stuffed animals that apparently women find irresistible. Instead of tall, dark and handsome, “Lovey Buddy” is tall, stuffed and furry.
One commercial shows a young woman on the bed in sexy red lingerie and seemingly highly amorous with her furry friend. She gazes into his plastic eyes as if to say, “Where have you been all my life?” Or perhaps she's saying, “You're naked, (except for a bow tie) and now it's my turn.”
On the plus side for a Lovey Buddy for Valentine's is that flowers eventually wilt and chocolates can put on weight. That, of course, leaves diamonds. But not many diamond rings start at $89.99, which is what a 3-foot Lovey Buddy costs (Shipping is extra). Or, you could get a 4-foot Lovey for $99.99 or a 6-foot Lovey for $199.99.
In the commercials we see beautiful women hugging Lovey, curling up with Lovey or reading a book while stroking Lovey's fur. Frankly, it's a little disturbing. Is true love so difficult to find these days that we're looking for it with a very large stuffed animal?
Founded in 1981, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company is located in Burlington. I'll say this, at least they have a sense of humor. For example, if you send them your email address they'll make you a “Pre-Fur'd Member.” They have over 80 different bears, including an “Adult Teddy.” Holding a blindfold and handcuffs, he's called the “Fifty Shades of Grey Bear.”
Other than Teddy Bears and Bernie Sanders, Vermont is best known for its maple syrup, which comes from the sap of various maple trees in cold climates. (In February, I'm told it doesn't get much colder than in Vermont.) .
Maple trees are tapped by drilling holes into their trunks and collecting the exuded sap. It's then processed by heating to evaporate the water, leaving the concentrated syrup. Actually, Quebec produces 3/4 of the world's maple syrup, but Vermont is the largest U.S. producer and accounts for 5.5-percent of the global supply. (Where else can you get this essentially pointless information?)
That brings us to Vermont U.S. Senator and presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, whose candidacy a year ago might have been considered pointless. Not now. On Tuesday he had a huge (pronounced “yuge”) victory over Hilary Clinton in the first in the nation primary in New Hampshire. Sanders received 60-percent of the popular vote, while Clinton got only 38-percent, meaning it was a bruising loss. (Meaning Bill is probably very crabby!)
If you told me a year ago that a 74-year-old Jewish socialist from a state with a population of 627,000, the second smallest state in the country, would win a presidential primary, I might have called you meshugenah. (Yiddish for “bonkers.”) And yet, it seemed on Tuesday that all of New Hampshire was “feeling the Bern.”
Before I forget, you've got to see last week's “Saturday Night Live.” The guest host was Larry David, who plays a better Bernie than Bernie. One sketch was particularly hilarious, “Bern Your Enthusiasm!” (Google it asap.)
The skit features David as Bernie on the day before the Iowa caucus with the SNL cast playing the characters from HBO's “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It builds to a perfectly exasperating ending where Larry David, as Bernie, has only himself to blame for the exceedingly narrow loss in Iowa.
Bernie Sanders actually showed up in person at SNL that night. In one sketch he, Larry David and the cast, spoofed the Titanic. In the bit, Bernie has had it with the 1-percent getting preferential treatment, even aboard a sinking ship. (Google “Bernie and Larry Titanic.”)
But back to New Hampshire, Donald Trump also scored an overwhelming victory. However, at a rally the night before the election he promised he would “bring back waterboarding and worse.” Has he ever heard of a thing called the Geneva Convention?
Speaking of “worse,” Trump was disparaging Ted Cruz when a woman in the crowd called the Florida senator an ugly epithet that rhymes with “wussy.” Inexplicably, The Donald had the woman shout out the offensive term and even repeated it for those who didn't hear.
Trump boasts he's an evangelical and yet uses vile language and admits he's never once asked God for forgiveness, one of the essential tenets of Christianity. Of course he proclaims he's “pro veterans” but says, “John McCain is no hero.” Can you say hypocrite?
That's it for this week, gang. Have a happy Valentine's. If you ordered a Lovey Buddy, I hope having a giant 6-foot stuffed animal around the house is... bear-able. (Sorry about that.)
Jack is at facebook.com/jackneworth, twitter.com/jackneworth and jnsmdp@aol.com.
