As I write this, as though it were the finale of “The Apprentice,” Donald Trump just announced that at 11 a.m. today he will reveal his choice for vice president. (And no, I'm not setting the DVR.) Given my deadline was yesterday, I'd at least like to share whom I think the VP won't be. For example, it won't be Ted Cruz because Trump inferred that Cruz's father helped Oswald kill JFK.
And it won't be Ben Carson, whom Trump once compared to a child molester. And it won't be Carly Fiorina because, in Trump's words, “Who would vote for that face?” And it won't be Marco Rubio, who said of Trump, “The party of Lincoln and Reagan will never be held by a con artist.” Apparently, Marco was wrong.
And Trump's VP won't be Jeb Bush because he's too “low-energy.” Actually, Jeb won't be attending the Cleveland convention, nor will W. or H.W., making this the first “Bush-less” GOP convention since the 1920s with patriarch Prescott Bush.
Mitt Romney, the GOP nominee in 2012, will also skip Cleveland, as will 2008 nominee John McCain. But former Alaska Gov. Sarah (“half-term”) Palin will be there supporting Trump, as will boxing promoter Don King and former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson. Both are outspoken Trump advocates. (And convicted felons.) Another ardent Trump supporter is white supremacist David Duke, who's considering running for Congress, hoping to ride Trump's coattails.
Back to Trump's VP choice, he might select Newt Gingrich, as the two have so much in common, including being married three times. Curiously, each cheated on his first wife with a younger mistress he subsequently married. And each cheated on wife No. 2, again with a younger mistress who would become wife No. 3. (“The Six Wives Club?”)
Once a favorite, Chris Christie's VP fortunes have been steadily declining. For starters, at 26-percent approval, he's perhaps the most unpopular governor in New Jersey history. And then there's “Bridgegate,” the trial for which begins Sept. 12.
Of course, Trump said in December, “Chris totally knew about closing the George Washington Bridge,” essentially accusing his good friend of a federal crime. As Trump says with the eloquence of a mobster, “You hit me, I hit you back.” Good grief!
Another reason Christie is highly unlikely to be Trump's VP goes back to 2005. As a U.S. attorney, Christie sent Charles Kushner to prison for two years for filing false tax returns, false campaign finance reports and for “retaliating against a witness.” Who's Charles Kushner? He's only the father of Jared Kushner, Trump's son-in-law married to Ivanka, with whom he has three children!
The “witness” was Kushner's sister, who was testifying against him. Apparently, Kushner had her husband seduced by a prostitute. A hidden camera recorded the activity, and Kushner made sure the tape arrived on the day of a family party! (“Meet the Kushners?”) One can only imagine the vulgarities Trump would utter if these scandals applied to Hillary Clinton's family.
So, without further ado, I'm predicting Trump's VP will be Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. And that concludes the Veepstakes portion of this column, but what about the coup? First, some very quick presidential history.
As we all know, Obama was the first African-American president and Hillary would be the first female president. For his “part” (pun intended), Trump would be the first president with a combover, or combback, or however one describes Trump's “helmet hair.”
Trump would also be the richest president ever, though I'm having doubts about his actual wealth. Who brags about being so rich? Certainly not Bill Gates, Warren Buffett or Mark Zuckerberg, the latter being half Trump's age and ten times wealthier. (And, by the way, none of the three inherited $150 million from Daddy!)
That Trump refuses to release his tax returns also calls into question his real wealth. After all, he's been known to fabricate. PolitiFact documents that only 9 percent of what Trump says is “true or mostly related to the truth.” This makes The Donald their undisputed “Pants on Fire King.”
Given the above, what are the odds of a “Dump Trump” coup in Cleveland? As the old joke goes, “Slim and none and Slim just left town.” Then again, we've never seen such a divisive candidate like Trump with comments like: Obama is Kenyan; Mexicans are rapists; global warming is a Chinese hoax; women seeking abortions should be punished; and Japan and South Korea should get nukes. And ask yourself what kind of person mocks people with disabilities.
In closing, I offer the comparison of Trump to the bombastic wrestling promoter, Vince McMahon. Coincidentally, in 2013, McMahon inducted Trump into the WWE Hall of Fame. Fittingly, Trump was booed off the Madison Square Garden stage. I say, if only in Cleveland. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
Jack Neworth is at facebook.com/jackneworth, twitter.com/jackneworth and jnsmdp@aol.com.
