A lot of people responded to last month's column. Probably because it had the word "sex" in the title. The comments came flooding in. I've never received so much supportive, thoughtful feedback. And I've never read such nasty messages either.
This is one of my first experiences writing for an audience this large and public, and receiving negative sentiment was kind of jarring, honestly. Not because I can't take criticism, but because I was shocked at how these comments had little to do with my writing or message, and everything to do with my physical appearance or perceived sexuality. And all of these messages came from men.
This made me pretty sad. And angry. Sad because talking about 11 year-olds getting raped sometimes doesn't evoke the empathy you hope it will. Angry because I was reminded of the way we often try to shame women when we criticize them. Think about it: When a man writes something we don't agree with, we say, "Your ideas are stupid." But when a woman writes something we don't agree with, it's, "Your ideas are stupid-and you're a slut."
Take Emma Watson, for example. The actress and U.N. Women Goodwill Ambassador delivered a widely publicized address on the topic of feminism last month. Soon after, comments surfaced on various sites, threatening to leak nude photos of Emma. The threat was a hoax-there are no nudes. But why the threat? Why the immediate attempt to bring the conversation to her sexuality? Why comments like, "That feminist b---- Emma is going to show the world she is as much of a whore as any woman," and "She makes stupid feminist speeches at the UN, and now her nudes will be online"?
Shame.
But that's not really the point I wanted to make with this month's column. This shaming culture isn't a new phenomenon. This type of thing has been happening for a long time-and will probably continue to happen for a long time. So if that's the reality of the challenge ahead, as a woman representing the YWCA-the women's organization-I want to know how women are going to respond. I think most of us would agree that we have to be strong in the face of oppression and persecution. But my question is this: What does a strong woman look like?
I'm asking this question because I've come to understand that the answer is not obvious. I want you to think about the concept of strength. What comes to mind? When I think of strength, I picture power, intensity, force. But do you know what the definition of "strength" is? "The ability to withstand force and pressure." So, strength is actually not force at all-it's the capability to endure it. All those images of aggression and macho that naturally come to mind are by definition incorrect. What, then, does a strong woman look like?
In the case of those messages that made me angry, for example: As a strong woman, how do I respond to that type of provocation? Or, to apply our new understanding of the word, how can I effectively withstand the weight of the pressure of aggression and the force of ignorance coming against me?
I can channel my anger into a retort-maybe a really clever one. Have you ever done that? It's the most satisfying thing in the world. Until the offender inevitably says something even more infuriating in return. And then what? How long can you go back and forth, growing angrier and angrier (the other person, meanwhile, isn't even emotionally invested), before you're left fuming and alone, burned out from trying to prove a point to someone who never cared to begin with?
I can decide to never publish my ideas again, which would be the surest way for me to avoid persecution. But that's not withstanding the pressure-it's collapsing under it. And running away from confrontation won't help you reach your goals.
Or, I can choose compassion.
Did I lose you?
Yes, compassion. Choosing to find understanding, empathy, even love for the person attacking you. But what does compassion have to do with strength? Everything, I believe. I submit to you that a strong woman looks like a compassionate woman.
It's completely counter-intuitive, I know. But I believe that compassion is one of the most reliable ways to sustain your endurance, no matter how great the force or pressure coming against you. By definition then, compassion gives you strength. Not convinced? Let's take a look at compassion in action.
You are provoked in some way-like I was. You can choose to fight back, you can choose to run away, or you can choose compassion. Let's say that rather than reacting out of anger, or running out of fear, you stop and consider where your oppressor is coming from. You choose compassion. Now, this is difficult to do, especially if your oppressor is an idiot. But take a moment to consider the struggles this idiot has been through, the possible abuse he has faced, the mis-education he may have been exposed to.
For example, I can consider that maybe the men who wrote those messages to me have had some damaging encounters with women and consequently could not help but read my thoughts through a "feminists are annoying" filter. Or maybe they were just upset that an article called "Let's Talk About Sex" turned out to be much more conservative than the title led them to believe (talk about disappointing! It's enough to make anyone send an angry note.) There could be a million different things informing your particular idiot's actions. If you think on it long enough, he starts to look less and less like an idiot, and more and more like a human being.
I'm not advocating that we start excusing bad behavior, or avoid responding, or let people walk all over us. The very opposite. See the bad behavior, but see it through unclouded eyes. When you posture your heart for compassion, the negative emotional charge around the situation begins to melt away, even if you started out so angry you could hit the guy (or girl). Compassion is the only choice that will liberate you from anger and fear, allowing you to really face the thing in front of you-and more importantly, giving you the space to rise above it, respond effectively, and keep moving forward.
And when you can accept that somebody is just an imperfect human being with a history (not unlike you, certainly not unlike me), compassion is easier to find each time you call on it. It is your endlessly renewable energy source, and it will reliably protect you from wasting your time on distractions and keep you focused on your goals. What force or pressure can be a sustainable threat to you when you have perseverance like that? What can be stronger than a compassionate woman?
So I say to you, Woman Shamers and Writers of Rude Comments all over the world: Comment away. If it's a battle of endurance, a compassionate woman can withstand a lot of force.
---
The YWCA Santa Monica/Westside is a nonprofit organization that empowers women and girls. Annually, we serve more than 2,500 women, girls and children from 10 communities on the Westside of Los Angeles. Contact Margarita Roze directly at mroze@smywca.org.
