Dear Rachel,
I don’t know what to do; my partner is addicted to porn. He watches it online every day and when I confront him about it, he says he’s addicted and he’ll never stop. I know it’s a guy thing, but I think his behavior is degrading to women, and it turns me off. His obsession takes time away from our relationship and it affects our love life. When we first started dating, we had good sex, but now I feel like he couldn’t care less about my needs in bed; he only cares about himself. I think he needs help. What can I do?
Signed, Plagued by Porn
Dear Plagued by Porn,
It’s up to every couple to decide what behavior works for them and what doesn’t. That being said, if your partner is heavily into pornography and you find it disgusting and degrading, you may have reached a deal-breaker in your relationship. Does your partner want to change? Unless he’s willing to seek help, I don’t see a way to bridge this gap. Your boyfriend may not be exaggerating when he says he’s addicted to porn. He may need some form of addiction counseling/rehab in order to stop his habit. If he’s not willing to make the changes necessary to save your relationship, it may be time for you to leave. If you stay, expect more of the same behavior.
The fact that you and your boyfriend have differing views on porn symbolizes incompatible beliefs that go beyond sexual preference. The two of you have conflicting values and porn is just one symptom of your incompatibility. I bet if you were to look deeper, you’d find other clues that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page when it comes to your core beliefs. Complementary morals are an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship, so consider your boyfriend’s porn habit a dramatic sign that he’s not the best match for you.
Shared values can be the ultimate aphrodisiac. Find a man who shares your views on life to experience a more satisfying relationship in and out of the bedroom. It’s not true that all men watch porn. To avoid repeating history, identify signs of porn habits with future dates, and don’t hesitate to move on if you see red flags. You can have chemistry and shared values with a man. Don’t settle for less.
Dear Rachel,
My girlfriend is Caucasian and I’m Mexican. We’ve been dating for five months and I love her, but her family is racist. They make comments about my skin color as if they’re using terms of endearment, when really they’re being rude. If her mother calls me, “her brown boyfriend,” one more time, I’m going to snap. The worst part is that my girlfriend is oblivious to her family’s condescending comments. I love her, but I hate her family. What should I do?
— Signed, Humiliated for Love
Dear Humiliated for Love,
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to put up with your girlfriend’s racist family. Unfortunately, there are still ignorant people in this world, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse for love.
Sit your girlfriend down and explain that you feel uncomfortable around her family because of their racist comments. Although this conversation might feel awkward, it’s essential to address this subject if you plan on salvaging your relationship. Your girlfriend may feel defensive, at first, but she should come around to see your point of view eventually. If she doesn’t, she’s not the right woman for you. This is an important issue to iron out, especially if you think the two of you are on the marriage track. You don’t want to sign up for a lifetime of mistreatment from her family; it’s best to nip this problem in the bud.
If you want a future with your girlfriend, you must get her to see your side so that you have an ally against your future in-laws. Hopefully your girlfriend can convince her family to treat you with more respect. Otherwise, you may choose to either keep your distance from her family, or end your relationship altogether. In this case, I hope her family comes around so that you and your girlfriend can work your way past this relationship obstacle.
DSSDF
I thought my boyfriend was, “The One,” but he doesn’t treat me right. Does this mean he’s not “The One?” I’m confused.
Signed, The One?
Dear The One?
I guarantee your boyfriend’s not “The One” if he treats you like $#!T. This is for everyone out there who justifies a dysfunctional relationship because they think their partner was predetermined by fate. Did I mention that I dislike the term “The One?” I think it’s dangerous to base a relationship on anything other than the content of your partner’s character. Exercise your dating freedom of choice. In other words, make a conscious decision to only date people who treat you well. You can love someone unconditionally, but don’t date unconditionally. Date people on the condition that they treat you with love, respect and consideration.
Rachel Iverson is a freelance writer, dating coach and author, who lives with her husband in Venice Beach. Her book, “Don’t Help A Man Be A Man: How To Avoid 12 Dating Time Bombs,” has been endorsed by Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. For more information on Rachel or her book, visit: www.rebelgirlpublishing.com. For dating advice, contact: rachel@rebelgirlpublishing.com.
