Post Thanksgiving, I’ve likely put on five pounds adding to my pandemic poundage. (Yikes!) That brings me to Rudy Giuliani (talk about an awkward segue) who has a myriad of problems but weight isn’t one of them. (Whereas being in the Borat 2 movie awaiting a massage in a hotel bedroom laying on his back with his hand down his pants IS!)
Poor Rudy. After comforting the country through the horrific 9/11 terrorist attack he was dubbed “America’s Mayor;” Queen Elizabeth II named Giuliani “Knight of the British Empire for his outstanding help to the bereaved British families in New York;” and he was on the cover of Time Magazine as “Man of the Year!” Now he belongs on the cover of Clown Magazine. (Which is really a magazine.) Sadly, Rudy’s gone from “America’s Mayor” to “Trump’s Chump.”)
In 2002, after retiring from the Mayor’s office, Rudy founded Giuliani Partners, a security consulting firm and overnight became a terrorism intelligence “expert” raking in an estimated $45 million. (It’s ludicrous because Rudy was a total intelligence flop.)
February 1993 marked the first WTC terrorist attack when a truck bomb detonated below the North Tower intending to send it crashing into the South Tower. It failed but killed seven people. Ominously, the terrorists warned they would be back but Rudy seemingly ignored it.
A large majority of EMT workers and fire fighters still blame Rudy for not upgrading equipment between the two attacks. Also real experts wanted the Command Center placed underground in Brooklyn but lazy Rudy wanted to be able to walk to it and thus left it in the WTC. (We all know how well that turned out.)
In 2008, egotistical Rudy ran for the GOP presidential nomination, spending $50 million and winning a grand total of one delegate. As for Rudy and Trump, they’re a match made in political heaven – they’re brash New Yorkers famous for their media savvy, public divorces and arguably race-baiting rhetoric. (One difference, Rudy’s never been accused of raping a minor and Trump never married his 2nd cousin.)
In April 2016 Rudy endorsed Trump in the New York primary and “opened” for him at his rallies – saying that a terrorist attack had never occurred on American soil before President Obama. Say what? (Desperate to be relevant again, Rudy worked for free, which is exactly what he’s worth.)
Cut to the infamous 2020 election Rudy press conference that Trump tweeted was going to be at the plush Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia. Inexplicably, however, it wound up at the run-down Four Seasons Total Landscaping location in between a porn shop and a crematorium. It and Rudy were was a complete disaster.
The Four Seasons Hotel hurriedly denied any connection. Meanwhile, the Four Seasons Total Landscaping immediately produced parody t-shirts with their name at the top and “Lawn and Order” at the bottom that sold like hotcakes.(Do hotcakes really sell that vigorously because, if so why, in 2018, did IHOP start selling burgers?)
Rudy’s next preposterous presser was at the RNC on November 19. During the longest 2 hours ever, Rudy developed flop sweat that caused his hair dye to drip down his face in long brown streaks that many mistook for blood. (The video blew up on the Internet.)
During the embarrassing presser, Rudy actually did a pathetic impression of Joe Pesci from the 1992 movie “My Cousin Vinny.” But, to the horror of the other Trump lawyers, soon black dye started flowing. Eventually Rudy noticed and wiped the ghoulish mess with a handkerchief but not before he blew his nose into it! (What a fitting symbol of the Trump administration!)
Trump’s “real” election law firms such as Porter Wright Morris & Arthur and Jones Day attempted to argue his bogus election fraud cases in courts but were so humiliated they quit. That put Giuliani in charge of Trump’s “elite lawyer strike force.” But Rudy hadn’t been in court since the early 1990’s and was so inept he sheepishly asked the Judge to explain certain legal terminology. To avoid perjury, Rudy said, “Your honor, this case is not about election fraud,” but when he’s not under oath tells anyone who will listen the election was rigged.
On Wednesday the 25th, Rudy was at it again with a bogus “election fraud hearing” in Pennsylvania. The bad news is it was the same baseless, evidence- free b.s. that 34 courts have already rejected. I suppose the good news is Rudy was able to keep his hair dye from running down his face.
This Thanksgiving season I’ve been endlessly grateful democracy survived a near-death experience. Also, that Biden’s cabinet of intelligent, remarkably qualified and historically diverse nominees, gives me hope. (And among them there will be no grifter son-in-law, or reality show clowns or flop-sweating Rudy!)
Jack is Jack is at: facebook.com/jackneworth, twitter.com/jackneworth and firstname.lastname@example.org