Artwork courtesy Dan McConnell

Reportedly, when Donald Trump was 5 he violently abused his toddler neighbor who was in a playpen outside and trapped for little Donnie’s rock throwing enjoyment. (When Donnie was caught he probably protested “the kid started it.”)

In the 2nd grade Donnie gave his music teacher a black eye and was proud of it, “He didn’t know anything about music.” The final straw for Fred Sr. however was when he discovered a shoe box of switch blade knives hidden under Donnie’s bed. He. immediately shipped Donald to Military School, which was essentially reform school for rich, anti-social delinquents.

Unfortunately for us (and the world) Trump’s sadistic aggression and bullying were rewarded in military school. Actually, they’re still hallmarks of his personality. Question: What do you call a person so profoundly cruel he mocks disabled people; insults Gold Star families; accuses a Republican primary adversary’s father of helping kill JFK and wants Hillary, Obama and Biden indicted? Answer: “Unfit for office.”

For all his macho bravado, Trump is a coward and a pathetically insecure person who needs to be constantly praised and desperately wants to be loved. At a rally in Pennsylvania on Monday he begged suburban women, “Won’t you please like me? I saved your damn neighborhoods!” Talk about weak. First, he didn’t save any neighborhoods and to angrily call them “damn” is not exactly the way to win women over. (Then again, neither was grabbing women by the…)

Trump Cadet Bone Spur also desperately wants to be seen as a national hero. “I alone can fix the problems.” He’s like an arsonist who puts out the fire he started and wants a medal. (Like a child, he still whines about deserving a Nobel Peace Prize, a place on Mt. Rushmore and a retroactive Emmy for “The Apprentice.” Poor unloved Donnie, still throwing rocks at anybody who doesn’t love him.)

Right about now you’re wondering how does Superman figure into all of this? Apparently, as Trump was checking himself out of Walter Reed he came up with a brilliant stunt, that is for an 8-year old.

Trump was going to exit the hospital looking so frail, well, just picture his feebly going down the ramp at West Point, only twice as slow. Then, with music suddenly rising in the background, he was going to rip off his white shirt and reveal a Superman tee shirt, shocking the crowd that he had beaten Covid-19 and feared nothing. (Except perhaps Kryptonite.)

Trump was ecstatic he would soon be viewed as a Superman on every TV in the world. Apparently his aides explained it was more likely he would soon be viewed in Bellevue so the plan was scrapped. (I’d love to have been a fly on Mike Pence’s head to have heard that back and forth.)

So instead, Trump staged the “dramatic” landing in the Marine 1 helicopter and his Mussolini moments on the balcony saluting the exiting Marines. (For a real laugh, PLEASE go to YouTube and type “Covita.”)

Eight months and there’s still no national plan from Trump while currently Covid deaths are up to 218,000 and not a single state is trending in the right direction. We’re averaging 50,000 new infections and 1,000 more deaths daily. How can Trump protect America when the White House is a petri dish for the virus? And yet, Trump actually said, “Covid virtually affects no one.” Yes, if you happen to live in Antarctica.

Meanwhile Trump has returned to his super spreader rallies as though the coronavirus, as he long ago predicted like a childish fantasy, has magically disappeared. On stage and to the roar of crowd, he danced (if you call it dancing) to the Village People’s “YMCA” and “Macho Man.” His aides say his “act” has never been better and he’s killing his followers with it. Literally. Just ask Herman Cain.

Unfortunately, armed Trump supporters like the Proud Boys, perhaps sensing defeat, seem even more violent than the KKK at Charlottesvile and “Jews will not replace us.” As a result I’ve been thinking of a writing a column, “Red Hats, Brown Shirts.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s big “Obamagate” he labeled “the worst political crime in American history,” was so bogus that after a full investigation the DOJ deemed it not even worthy of a report. So now Trump’s floating the conspiracy that Obama’s military ordered operation that killed Osama Bin Laden on May 2, 2011, was…you guessed it… a hoax.

I’ll close with some amazing “Trump trivia.” The word “Trumpery” actually appeared in English in the 15th century, meaning “deceit or fraud” and “worthless nonsense.” Some current dictionaries define it as “political smears, demagoguery, blame shifting, liar, fool and madman.” Trump supporters, please, instead of sending me irate emails, send them to Merriam Webster.

The artwork for today’s column was generously provided by Dan McConnell, a gag cartoonist and caricaturist for MAD Magazine, Reader’s Digest, Weekly Humorist, Airmail and HumorOutcasts. Dan is, and Jack is at: