On March 18, when Donald Trump declared America was “at war” with Covid-19, he also declared he was a “wartime president.” While in the past we’ve had wartime presidents who couldn’t handle their liquor, until Trump, we’ve never had one who couldn’t handle his water. (Drum roll, please.)
Two months before, Trump was warned about Covid by Alex Azar, Secretary of Health and Human Services, but #45 labeled the virus a “hoax,” and sat on his behemoth butt for six crucial weeks. (Meanwhile, Trump seemed to need two hands to drink water and, contrary to most humans, would often lower his head to meet the glass or bottle. #ReallyStrange.)
When Trump was questioned why he hadn’t sufficiently prepared for Covid he answered sarcastically, “I was busy with a little thing called ‘impeachment,’” as if that was an excuse. (Bill Clinton, however, during his impeachment, stayed focused on his presidential duties but as I recall managed to drink water using just one hand.)
Last month, Columbia University released a study that stated if Trump had only enacted social distancing one week earlier, approximately 36,000 American Covid deaths would have been prevented and if he had done so two weeks earlier, 57,000 would have been spared. (Surprise, surprise, Trump called the study a “hoax,” too.)
When Azar warned that the virus had the potential to become a pandemic, reportedly Trump called him an “alarmist.” In fact, he was more interested in when flavored vaping would return to the marketplace. So, while the country is besieged by Covid, flavored vaping is killing it. (No pun intended.)
Trump’s latest weirdness with water occurred at his rambling commencement address at West Point. During his speech, and with his right hand, he went to drink from a bottle. But, inexplicably, he had to place his left palm under his right elbow to push the bottle up to his lips.
At his fiasco rally at Tulsa on June 20, Trump spent ten minutes incoherently trying to explain it. Apparently, at West Point he had saluted so many cadets that his flabby right arm just didn’t have enough strength to lift a tiny water bottle. (He also spent another ten minutes explaining why, after the speech, he was hunched over during his delicate descent down the ramp, but I’ll spare you that mishegoss.)
At the BOK Center in Tulsa, which holds 19,199, instead of a packed house as Trump and his staff had boldly predicted, a measly 6,200 showed up. A “highlight” was when, using only one hand, Trump drank water from a glass and received a standing ovation from the mask-less attendees. (Who will undoubtedly soon test positive for Covid.)
After thoroughly “dominating” the water, then Trump threw the glass to the ground in triumph to more applause. (How low is the bar when drinking water from a glass deserves a standing ovation?)
With tons of empty seats and seeing people yawning, Trump threw the bigots in his base some racist “red meat.” (Somehow I don’t think many Trump supporters are vegetarians.) He called Covid-19, the “Kung Flu,” and received another standing ovation.
More alarming, however, was Trump’s admission that he had told staff to slow down Covid testing. Press Secretary Kaleigh Mcenany insisted Trump was joking while Presidential Assistant Peter Navarro said “it was tongue in cheek.” Days later, Trump threw both of them under the bus by bragging, “I don’t kid.”
Trump’s insane logic is fewer tests equal fewer infections. (Much like fewer pregnancy tests means fewer babies.) He’s currently pulling testing funding while U.S. infections are spiking so high the EU is considering banning Americans from entering. (The good news is they haven’t yet called us a sh*thole country.)
After the disastrous Tulsa rally, Trump was caught on tape getting off Marine One helicopter at the White House. Defeated and dejected, he trudged his walk of shame toward the White House with a jowly, grim face. His red tie was undone, a crumpled MAGA hat was in his hand and smudges of his spray tan blotched his white collar. He looked like a cross between Willy Loman caught cheating on his wife and fat Elvis having forgotten his lyrics.
I almost felt compassion for Trump. That is, until I recalled some of his faults: His corruption and incompetence; his malignant narcissism; his affection for murderers Putin, Erdogan, the Saudi Crown Prince and Kim Jong-un; his suggestion about injecting disinfectant into humans and complete bungling of the Covid pandemic which has resulted in 122,000 deaths in four months; on his watch, 40 million unemployed, historic deficits, national debt, hate crimes, civil unrest, and let’s not forget his misogynistic, racist, sadistic and divisive tweets, to name but a few.
Until further notice, however, Trump seems to have mastered drinking a glass of water with one hand.
Jack is at: facebook.com/jackneworth, twitter.com/jackneworth and email@example.com