Surreal as it was, on January 20, 2017 Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. Curiously, the Inaugural was attended by so many Russians it looked like a scene from Dr. Zhivago. Even the cloudy and cold weather felt Russian. Triumph, the hilarious insult comic dog, joked, “The sun was just one of many stars who refused to attend.” (As the winning candidate, Trump lost the popular vote by the greatest margin in history.)
While precipitation had been forecast, Trump insisted that “God would not let it rain on my Inaugural.” Apparently God didn’t get the memo. In fact, the crowd was filled with spectators wearing plastic ponchos and or holding umbrellas, which was what Melania did. But to this day, Trump swears there wasn’t a drop of rain.
Afterwards, Press Secretary and future “Dancing With the Stars” contestant, Sean Spicer (whose hideous green fluffy-sleeved outfit on the show was reminiscent of a Seinfeld episode) infamously proclaimed Trump’s Inaugural was the most watched in history. Suddenly America was introduced to “alternative facts,” or, as most people might call them, “lies.”
Bill and Hillary Clinton and George and Laura Bush sat next to each other as Trump began his dystopian speech. Though nationwide violent crime and illegal southern border crossings were at 50-year lows, Trump declared, “This American carnage stops right here and right now.” Stunned, W. whispered to Hilary, “Can you believe this sh*t?” (Essentially what I’ve been saying for the past 1057 days.)
On Trump’s watch hate crimes and gun mass murders are at all-time highs. So is the deficit and national debt at $23 trillion, which Trumpers forget to mention when bragging about the “great economy.” (Trump has actually said that by the time those issues come to fore, he’ll be long gone.)
With the climate crisis threatening the world and impeachment threatening Trump’s world, and fresh off being laughed at and humiliated at NATO, he’s recently turned to… weak water pressure in sinks, showers and toilets. He disclosed he’s working closely with the EPA (which should be renamed the “Environmental Pollution Agency”) to rollback Obama water conservation regulations. While thought to beneficial for the planet, to Trump, they’re apparently a big pain in his big butt. (Fact: Trump is the most obese POTUS in 100 years!)
Trump claims that many people report to him that low flow toilets require 10 to 15 flushes. Almost always when Trump says “people tell me” there are no people, he’s just projecting. So if anyone is flushing 15 times it’s Trump, perhaps not surprising given his fat-laden fast food diet.
The “flushing factor” is just one of many Trump-created crises for which he alone has the solution. For example, he revealed that windmills cause cancer. Who knew? He also postulates that if you get your energy from wind power, “If it’s not windy that day, you won’t be able to watch your favorite NFL game.” (Can anyone really be this ignorant?)
In late August, as hurricane Dorian approached the U.S., Trump advocated we drop a nuclear bomb in the eye of the storm. What could go wrong with that? Fortunately, Trump was talked out of that dangerous and cockamamie idea. But within days he took a black Sharpie and covertly altered an official Hurricane Center map rather than admit he had been wrong.
Another example involves Guantanamo Detention Camp. Trump has often suggested that if water boarding doesn’t get supposed terrorists to reveal secrets, we should murder their families. (Even the mafia doesn’t touch the families.)
As for undocumented people attempting to scale border walls, Trump has asked the Justice Department if we couldn’t just shoot them. When told that would be a crime against humanity, he countered, “What if we just shoot them in the knees?”
Another Trump brainstorm was to build a moat (he spelled it “moot”) at the Southern Border and fill it with snakes and alligators. (Reportedly, some staffer had to write a feasibility report. I only hope it wasn’t the same poor schnook that had to write one about “Nuking Hurricanes.”)
So now Trump is facing impeachment because, claiming he was concerned about widespread “corruption,” he withheld almost $400 million in military assistance to Ukraine unless they dug up dirt on Joe Biden. (So much for “widespread.”) His defense has been there was never an investigation and he still released the funds. Then why did he? Because, with the whistle blower, he got caught!
So Trump did what any compulsive liar would do, he lied about something else. Somehow his attention-deficit brain landed on solving our non-existent need to flush our toilets 15 times. Realistically, there’s no chance, but it would only be poetic justice if the imminent House impeachment and Senate trial could flush him right out of office.
Please Google: “Triumph attends Trump’s Inauguration.” Jack is at firstname.lastname@example.org.