By tomorrow or early next week, Brett Kavanaugh will likely be Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh. Yikes! (In a 1983 letter in which he admitted he was “an obnoxious drunk,” Kavanaugh called himself “Bart,” and, now, so will I.)
I’m sorry I’m so pessimistic in predicting his confirmation despite his 29 “false or misleading statements.” Unlike Bart, I suppose I’m a “keg half empty” kind of guy.
For many reasons, Kavanaugh is unfit to be SCOTUS. Then again, he was nominated by someone unfit to be POTUS.
As opposed “self-made billionaire,” the NY Times reports Trump received, in today’s dollars, $416 million in his father’s decades-long tax fraud. The scheme began when Donnie Johnny was 3 and made him a millionaire by 8. (Apparently, the Emperor does have clothes but they were bought by daddy.)
Back to Bart, should his nomination somehow fail, he could be the perfect spokesperson for … Budweiser! A lifelong football fan, imagine Bart’s thrill if his Bud commercial was aired during the Super Bowl. Instead of a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, it could be a lifetime of free beer.
Joking aside, I’m still shocked by Bart’s belligerent testimony, ironically, Kavanaugh once wrote about the temperament required to be a judge. “A judge has to demonstrate civility, to display, that you’re trying to make the decision impartially, dispassionately, based on the law and not based on your emotions.” Forget sexual assault, Bart’s erratic and emotional temperament alone are disqualifying.
With each fact that that makes Bart, whom I also call “Kegs,” unfit to be SCOTUS, I will ring a metaphorical bellhop bell. The truth is, Kegs was out of control angry before he even sat down. He had a scowl on his face as he nervously rearranged items on his desk and then immediately launched into an almost shouting tirade. (Ding.)
Keep in mind, the Judiciary Committee hearing is essentially a job interview. With his angry yelling, I doubt he’d have passed the interview if it were for Dunkn’ Donuts. And, other than Marco Rubio, who nervously drinks that much water? (Ding.)
Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony was calm and thoughtful. Even “Richie Rich” Trump said, “She was very compelling” and “a fine person.” And yet, at a Tuesday night rally, bully Trump mocked and belittled her. Senator Jeff Flake commented, “It was appalling.” He was too kind.
As Trump ginned up the crowd, it was reminiscent of a Nazi rally. There was an evil “Lock her up” chant referring to Dr. Ford. Any wonder why female victims of sexual assault are reluctant to come forward. Frankly, how a woman can vote for the GOP and its leader, our “Admitted Sexual Assaulter in Chief,” is beyond me.
As opposed to Dr. Ford, Bart’s testimony was all over the map, including tears at the weirdest moments. For example, as evidence of his innocence, he presented his calendar from 1982. (Which actually validated much of Ford’s testimony.)
Tearfully, Bart explained the calendar was a custom of his father who shared the entries with his with his family on Christmas Day. As Bart’s tears flowed, I assumed his father had passed years ago. But no! His dad looked fit as a fiddle (not sure why fiddles are necessarily fit) and was sitting right behind Kegs. (Ding.)
Bart also cried when recalling boozing and lifting weights with pals P.J. and Squee. (Ding, ding!) Note to Bart: When accused of drunken sexual assault it’s a little suspicious to cry about drinking with pals while weight lifting.
For me, Bart’s ugly side revealed itself when he was questioned by Minnesota Senator, Amy Klobuchar who was actually very polite. Up front, she acknowledged that her father had been an alcoholic, and proceeded to ask Bart about his high school and college drinking, Downright hostile, Kavanaugh questioned Amy about her drinking and asked if she’d ever “blacked out.” (Ding, ding, ding, ding!)
It was so inappropriate and rude, some opined that if a witness in Judge Kavanaugh’s court had acted similarly he’d have likely found them in contempt. After a short break, Bart “apologized” but lamely as he blamed his behavior on the “process.” Say what?
To be serious, when Kavanaugh ascends to the Supreme Court, the integrity of our most highly regarded institution will be called into question. Already Congress and the Senate seem to favor party over country. With Trump’s constant attacks on the press, people don’t know what to believe. Our citizenry may be as divided now as we were during the Civil War. And who must be just loving every minute? Comrade Vlad. (Putin!)
Under Trump’s control, the FBI “investigation” was a joke. Extremely credible people are positive Kavanaugh perjured himself. I’d comment further about why he shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court but, with so many dings, Bart has broken my bell.
Google “Damon SNL Kavanaugh,” to see Saturday Night Live’s hilarious 13-minute cold open starring Matt Damon as boozer Bart. Jack can be reached at email@example.com.