By Jack Neworth
At 70, Donald Trump is the oldest president to ever be elected. He’s also the only president married three times and the first president to have zero elected office experience who had not at least been a General. On the other hand, Trump is in the WWE Hall of Fame. (For his mouth not wrestling.) And, while Barack Obama was the first black president, Donald Trump will be the first orange president. Spray tan or tanning booth? The latter would explain the awful raccoon-like white circles under his eyes.
Trump will also be the heaviest president since Robert Taft at a whopping 330. If we are to believe Dr. Arnold Bornstein, a big if, Trump weighs 237. But why does Trump’s health info come from his gastroenterologist? Can’t a billionaire afford a primary care physician?
In August, Dr. Bornstein wrote a letter claiming Trump would be “The healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” (Did Bornstein examine President John Adams who lived to 90?) Mysteriously, Bornstein suddenly lists Trump at 6’3, though he’s always been 6’2. The answer is, at 237 pounds and 6’2,” Trump is “obese,” whereas at 6’3” he’s only “moderately overweight.” (Either way, Trump’s a gasbag according to Tom Hanks and I agree.)
Much like a male Zsa Zsa Gabor, the shallow Trump obsesses about people’s appearance. Infamously, he once called Miss Universe, Alicia Machado, 19, “Miss Piggy,” and “an eating machine.” It’s ironic because Trump frequently posts selfies wolfing down a bucket of KFC or a taco bowl. People somehow forget, Trump also called Miss Machado, “Miss Housekeeping” because of her Latina ethnicity. And this bully is president? To quote the late Marlon Brando from Apocalypse Now “Oh, the horror.”
President-elect Trump recently held an off-the-record meeting with 25 media executives and anchors in Trump Tower. At the gathering, Trump complained about unflattering photos of his double chin. (Pathetic.) Like many authoritarians, Trump blames the media for everything. But concerning his double chin, the culprit might be those buckets of KFC.
A closer look at Trump’s KFC reveals it’s the “$20 Fill Up” bucket that includes:8 pieces of extra crispy chicken; a large coleslaw; 4 biscuits and 2 mashed potatoes and gravy. The double chin may soon be a triple chin because the only exercise Trump does is jump to conclusions.
It’s debatable if Trump is a misogynist, racist and an anti-Muslim bigot but there seems little doubt that he’s exceedingly vain. With a a nod to Carly Simon, he’s so vain he’d probably think this column was about him. But at least Warren Beatty, or whomever inspired Carly, was probably handsome. I’ve yet to talk to a woman whose knees buckle when seeing Trump. (Unless he was reaching for her genitals and missed.)
And yet, Trump is surprisingly popular in Mexico…as a pinata! Getting real, given how he looks, as compared to Mitt Romney, for example, Trump’s vanity seems delusional.
The same could be said of Trump’s recent tweet that he didn’t lose the popular vote. (I fear one morning at 3 a.m., Trump will “tweet us” into a nuclear war but, rest assured, he won’t nuke a country where he has a hotel.) The fact is, Hillary won by more votes than Bush beat Kerry in 2004 after which W. claimed a mandate. But reminiscent of the “Big Lie Theory,” Trump shamelessly claims he won in a “landslide.”
Actually, we have to go back 140 years to find a president-elect lose by more of a percentage than Trump. The outcome of that 1876 Tilden-Hayes election, like this, was rejoiced by the KKK. A disturbing similarity.
Also disturbing, is the aforementioned Romney. Once he bravely criticized Trump’s “misogyny, and third-grade theatrics,” adding, “Mr. Trump is a con man and a fraud whose promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University.” Now Romney hails Trump. Sellout? You tell me.
I suppose we’ll never get to see Trump’s infamous tax returns. I’d settle for the IRS letter, as I personally don’t believe there ever was an audit. It was all a con. The country has been had by Don the Con. All we’ll ever get to see is more of Trump’s double dealing, or “self-dealing,” where the presidency is subservient to his only passions, feeding his insatiable ego and increasing his wealth.
Even before taking office, Trump has already begun enhancing his real estate empire via the White House. He’s made numerous calls to foreign countries where he hopes to build hotels. For a shallow person who has spent his whole life driven by money and accumulation, I see no reason that will change. However, and I don’t care how much whining he does, unless he cuts back on the KFC, we’ll also see lots more photos of Trump’s double chin. Donald Trump, oh the horror.
Jack is at facebook.com/jackneworth, twitter.com/jackneworth and firstname.lastname@example.org.
FOOD: No anorexia here! President-elect chows down.