The thought of a Trump presidency gives me chills. What if the there was a missile crisis like with Cuba in 1962, only instead of JFK in the oval office, it’s temperamental Trump? Two words: Goodbye world.

Narcissistic and grandiose, Trump reminds me of the fascist Italian dictator, Benito Mussolini. Believe it or not, Trump actually quoted Mussolini. (By the way, when Trump says, “Believe it or not,” believe the “not.”)

I wish I could laugh at Trump’s buffoonery. The latest involves his doctor, Harold Bornstein, a long-haired, earing-wearing Manhattan gastroenterologist.

In December, 2015, Dr. Bornstein wrote a letter on behalf of Trump, describing his “astonishingly excellent” health. It was so riddled with typos and hyperbole, I just assumed Trump wrote it.

This week, in a bizarre interview with NBC, Dr. Bornstein said he authored the letter. One pundit said, “It’s the single most absurd letter ever written by a doctor in the history of the practice of medicine on earth.” That may have been an understatement.

The letter begins with, “To Whom It My Concern.” My? And on the letterhead Dr. Bornstein includes his father name, Jacob who was originally Trump’s doctor. But, unfortunately, Jacob died in 2010. A dead man’s name on the letterhead? Seems a bit macabre.

At the bottom of the letter, Dr. Harold Bornstein lists as part of his credentials “F.A.C.G,”, or a Fellow of the American College of Gastroenterology. Except that F.A.C.G says Dr. Bornstein hasn’t paid his dues for over 20 years. Oops.

The last line in the letter typifies the absurdity throughout. “If elected, Mr. Trump I can say unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Doesn’t that sound like something Trump would say? I’m surprised the letter didn’t say Trump’s health was “huge.”

Healthiest president ever? John Adams, the 2nd president, lived to 90. And George W. Bush ran 5k’s averaging under 8-minute miles. I’d pay to see Trump run a mile. Or even a block. He’s so bloated, afterwards he’d be doubled over panting leaving his combover askew. Comedian B.K. Irons jokes, “All messed up, Trump’s hair looks like that’s where he hides all his dirtiest secrets and they’re just tryin’ to get out.”

Dr. Bornstein’s letter is no more absurd than Trump surrogates, including Katrina Pierson. She blamed Obama for the death in Iraq of Captain Khan whose father spoke so memorably at the Democratic convention. The only problem is Captain Khan died in 2004, when Obama was a State Senator. When confronted on CNN, Ms. Pierson reluctantly admitted, “I was wrong… but only with my timeline.” Good grief.

Then there’s Michael Cohen, a Trump lawyer. In defending Trump from a decades-old allegation that he raped his then wife Ivana, Cohen said authoritatively, “By definition, a husband can’t rape his wife.” And he actually passed the bar?

Two weeks ago, Cohen repeatedly questioned CNN anchor, Brianna Keilar, who suggested Trump was trailing in the race. “Says who?” Cohen snapped. “Polls. All of them,” Keilar responded. “Says who?” Cohen asked like a child repeating, “I know you are but what am I?”

Perhaps, though, former NYC Mayor Rudy Guiliani takes the Trump surrogate absurdity grand prize. On August 15, he shouted to his audience, “There weren’t any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks in the U.S. until Obama was elected!” Poor Rudy. Apparently 9/11 completely slipped his mind.

On Wednesday, Trump had a private meeting with Mexico’s President Enrique Peña Nieto. Trump has called Mexicans “rapists and criminals,” and has warned “Mexico is not our friend.” (Reuters reports that, since June, 2015, “extremely bashable piñatas” in Mexico, bearing a repulsive Trump likeness, including a big mouth, have been selling off the shelves.)

For his part, Nieto has said, “Trump’s rhetoric sounds like something from Hitler and Mussolini.” But the meeting proceeded and afterwards, Trump almost seemed diplomatic. (Six hours later, however, at an Arizona rally, he reverted back to a “deportation task force” hate-monger feeding red meat to his rabid supporters.)

Back in Mexico, Trump had said “The wall was discussed but not who would pay.” Nieto suggested on social media, however, that Trump had lied. ““I made it clear at the beginning that Mexico will not pay for the wall.”

Given how Trump antagonizes almost everybody, I fear as president he would undoubtedly tweet us into a war. Maybe even with an ally. Frankly, I’m just glad Mexico doesn’t have the bomb. They don’t, do they?

Tagline: For hilarious videos, Google “Even the cat hates Trump” and “Trump lawyer says who.” Jack is at jnsmdp@aol.com.

By Jack Neworth