America’s passion for football is so pervasive that, at least for me, only after the Super Bowl does it feel like the New Year has begun. Meanwhile, if you’re a die-hard Seattle Seahawks fan, given last Sunday’s Super Bowl, you have my condolences. In time, you’ll get over it. (Just not in this lifetime.)
Sunday’s Super Bowl was the most watched TV show in U.S. history with 114.5 million viewers. That the outcome wasn’t clear until the final second couldn’t have been scripted better for the NFL, NBC and a host of deep-pocket advertisers. The cha-ching you hear is the sound of cash registers.
For the most part, Katy Perry’s halftime show got excellent reviews and the commercials were also well done, though two left me cold. With his voice describing man’s fascination with the sea, JFK was essentially a pitchman for Carnival Cruises, which seemed more than a little tacky. And the Nationwide Insurance commercial in which an adorable young boy tells about us all the exciting adventures in his life we see him do didn’t really happen because he died in an accident. Can you say “Debbie Downer?”
But the build-up to the Super Bowl for the past weeks meant that some stories got overlooked, including Mitt Romney leaving the presidential sweepstakes. As I see it, Mitt and the Seahawks have something in common. Both had three chances to run and each passed.
I have to admit that the Mittster always looks terrific. In fact, if GQ and AARP ever merged magazines, Mitt would have to be the cover of the first issue. The truth is, I’m going to miss Mittsky, as the GOP debates won’t be the same without his putting his foot in his mouth or challenging his less wealthy political rivals to $10,000 bets he knows they can’t afford.
It seems Mitt couldn’t raise enough money to stay in the game, which is staggering because he’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars. (And who knows how much more in Swiss accounts.) “Mitt the twit,” as he’s not-so-affectionately called in England, has four mansions. His 11,000-square-foot oceanfront estate in La Jolla even has an elevator for his cars. If the presidential race was too rich for his blood, that’s downright scary.
Of course, Mitt isn’t the richest to ever run for president, as that was Ross Perot. What ever happened to good old Ross? Never mention Perot around George Bush Sr., as No. 41 still harbors a gigantic grudge that Ross cost him a second term. And I suppose he probably did.
Speaking of the Bush family, Jeb appears to be the prime beneficiary of Mitt’s backing out among the billionaire boys club who finance GOP campaigns. The Koch brothers have already pledged to kick in $889 million toward the 2016 campaign for GOP candidates. (Couldn’t they cough up another $11,000,000 from petty cash to make it an even $900 million?)
Given W’s disastrous eight years, Jeb’s biggest problem may be his last name. Not that his first is so terrific. “Jeb” sounds less presidential and more Beverly Hillbillies. His mom, Barbara Bush, says Jeb’s problem is he’s “too honest.” (Not exactly Ben Franklin’s, “Honesty is the best policy?”)
In response to comments from former classmates at Phillips Academy that he was “an arrogant bully,” Jeb recently came clean. He admitted that he smoked pot and, “I was a cynical turd in a cynical school.” (Like W., Jeb seems fond of the “T” word.)
Even without Mitt, the GOP field is “colorful.” Among the usual suspects are Govs. Chris “Bridgegate” Christie, Rick “I Can Count to 3” Perry, Mike “Ban Beyonce” Huckabee and Sarah “Barracuda” Palin, who was a governor until she got bored and quit. (Who does that?)
For a hoot, Google “Sarah Palin’s resignation speech.” It’s so incoherent it’s actually disturbing. Sure enough, Sarah was incomprehensible once again at Rep. Steve King’s recent conservative conclave. Her stock among the attendees fell worse than Coach Carroll’s with Seahawk fans.
For the Dems, in addition to Hillary, there’s Sen. Elizabeth Warren and V.P. Joe Biden, who puts his foot in his mouth even more than Mitt. Historically speaking, 2016 will mark 96 years since women got the right to vote. Approximately 46 countries have had a female head of state, including: England, Germany, France, Canada, Israel, India, Pakistan, Philippines and Australia. And yet in the U.S. we’ve never even had a woman nominated at the top of the ticket by either major political party. (Giving new meaning to “Only in America.”)
If you’re a Hillary hater, and I know you’re out there because you email me, I’m sorry but I think 2016 may just be her time. Sadder yet, if you hate Hillary and also love the Seahawks, well then, you have my condolences, times two.
Jack is at facebook.com/jackneworth and twitter.com/jackneworth and can be reached at email@example.com.