Some time after 3 a.m. on Friday, commoner Kate Middleton walked into London’s famed Westminster Abbey and left Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, Princess of Wales, married to Prince William of Wales. I suppose the only thing remotely close to that in the Jewish faith is when a young girl marries a doctor.

Prince William was born William Arthur Philip Louis. The family surname name was Mountbatten-Windsor but after WWI anti-German feeling was so high that the royals dropped the Mountbatten. (Don’t turn to the crossword puzzle yet as this will get livelier, I promise.)

After the honeymoon, the young couple is going to move into a “starter cottage.” Only this one, Kensington Palace, is valued at $80,000,000. Then of course, when William becomes king they’ll move into slightly fancier digs at Buckingham Palace, which is valued at $1.75 billion. Clearly being a royal has its advantages. One thing’s for sure, it beats working.

I’ve been puzzled by how many of my friends were following the wedding. At age 27, my neighbor Lauren says, “Everybody loves a fairy tale.” Actually about a billion people tuned in. I’m tempted to say, “Get a life, world,” but since I don’t really have one myself, it’d be a tad hypocritical. (As if that’s ever stopped me before.)

The other night I was mentally formulating this column while working out in my apartment building gym. I was relieved as the Lakers beat the Hornets in game 5 of their NBA playoff. (Speaking of getting a life, this is only the first round.)

Lauren was on the machine next to me watching one of the endless “countdown to the wedding” shows. This one was speculating on the well-kept secret of who designed Kate’s dress.

Occasionally, Lauren would sneak a peek at my TV to see the score and I would peek at hers in search of the answer to the eternal question, “Why the fuss?”

Lauren’s theory is that when Princess Diana died tragically her sons were so young that the world embraced them and now wants to celebrate in William’s joy. This reminded me of how America responded in late November 1963 when little John Kennedy Jr., in knee pants, somberly saluted the passing funeral procession carrying the coffin of his late father.

We humans can be so compassionate and caring and yet more often are greedy and war-like. As Mark Twain said, “Man is the only one of all of God’s creatures who can blush. Or has need to. “

But back to the wedding. Based on a very limited sample (my friends) interest broke down 100 percent according to gender. All my female friends were interested whereas not one of my buddies was. I suppose many girls grow up dreaming of marrying a prince (I’m resisting frog jokes) while I don’t know many men who dream of being a king, other than Donald Trump. (Frankly it’s hard to imagine how a crown would rest on that hair.)

William and Kate’s wedding has already been dubbed “the most expensive in history,” estimated as high as 30 million pounds. The royal family, however, is contributing heavily. This includes Prince Charles, whose Duchy of Cornwall (whatever that is) nets him 20 million pounds annually. That’s an obscene amount of money for doing nothing but then again Glenn Beck makes $32 million annually for just being nuts.

The British government points out that the cost to their taxpayers for the wedding will be more than offset by the huge tourism boon estimated at 600 million pounds. (I wonder if English keyboards have a “pound” sign.)

Frankly, in 2011, I find the whole monarchy thing absurd but apparently not so in 801. That’s when many historians speculate that Egbert (what a name) the first king of England, took power and ruled through 839. The trick was getting the people to buy the “Divine Right” which theorized that God wanted his eldest son to continue to rule. I guess with enough beheadings they were able to “sell” this illogical concept.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is also not a big fan of the monarchy. Promoting his upcoming stand-up show at London’s 02 Arena, Seinfeld commented that the monarchy is the result of the English loving “to play dress up and pretend.” One British talk show host responded, “At this rate he’ll be doing that show from the Tower of London, never mind the O2.”

Who was and wasn’t invited to the royal wedding is intriguing. Barack and Michelle Obama weren’t but Beyonce and Kayne West were. I just hope that Kayne didn’t have a Taylor Swift flashback and interrupted the wedding.

Well, William and Kate are married. I’m assuming it was a beautiful ceremony and there will be days of celebrating throughout the Commonwealth. (Not to mention my neighbor Lauren finally knows who designed Kate’s dress.) OK, now you can go to the crossword puzzle.

Jack can be reached at

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