One indicator of Barack Obama’s electoral vulnerability is the long line of the usual suspects, and plenty of unusual ones, positioning themselves to run against him in 2012. The latest of the latter is the walking ego, Donald Trump, who’s considering throwing his hat into the ring. (Or in his case, throwing his toupee into the ring.)

Actually, I’m not sure Trump’s hair is a toupee or a weave. Whatever it is, it’s weird. I can’t tell where it starts and where it ends, or even what color it is. (Then again, the same could be said about John Boehner’s tan.)

Trump recently made his presidential ambitions known on Bill O’Reilly’s show. The Donald’s two major policy objectives seem to be to get the truth about Barack Obama’s birth certificate (yawn) and to warn countries like China “to behave or else.” It’s frightening to imagine what he meant by “or else” unless he means he would bore them to death.

I had thought the bogus birth certificate story died years ago when Hawaii’s Republican governor verified its authenticity. But the Donald is obsessed about it and reportedly is hiring private detectives. (As if Bill Clinton didn’t do that 10 seconds after Obama announced he was running against Hillary for the ‘08 Democratic nomination.)

As for getting tough with the world, the Donald thinks the U.S. should stay in Iraq forever because “15 minutes after we leave the Iranians are going to come and get the oil.” (Wasn’t there one person with a brain in the entire Bush administration who could have anticipated Iran taking over?)

Trump advocates seizing the oil, pay ourselves the trillions we’ve spent, give some to the British, and the rest to the Iraqis. “After all,” the Donald postulated “in the old days to the victors go the spoils, right?” (The Donald’s attitude seems to be, “How the hell did our oil wind up under their sand?”)

The victors/spoils dynamic was last used by the U.S. in the Spanish American War in 1898, a mere 111 years ago. At that time we were unhappy that the Spanish were exploiting Cuba when we could be doing it ourselves.

The war began following the “mysterious” sinking of the U.S.S. Maine which you can think of as the Gulf of Tonkin or missing WMDs of its day. The conflict ended with Cuban independence (we soon rectified that) and Spain ceded indefinite colonial control to the U.S. (aka, the “spoils”) of Guam, Puerto Rico and the Philippines. According to Trump, apparently this was when men were men and imperialism still had a good name.

Seizing Iraqi oil may go over well with many Americans when gas hits $5 a gallon this summer, but it’s bound to inflame the entire Muslim world. (To which I imagine the Donald would say, “So?”)

Please don’t misunderstand me. Between a campaign speech of Tim Pawlenty or Mitt Romney or the Trumpster, by far the most entertaining would be the Donald. And I can’t wait to see Trump campaigning in Maine and Iowa in the snow and cold. (Though, I worry what the harsh weather will do to his hair.)

And I also can’t wait to see the Donald at a Des Moines pancake breakfast pretending to be listening to the local yokels for whom he couldn’t possibly care less. I’d love to see the Donald kissing babies (especially if one throws up on him) all the while trying to hide the grotesque narcissistic “greed is good” attitude which reeks from his every pore.

Even O’Reilly, a bully himself, was slightly taken aback by the Donald’s bellicose posturing, which included threatening Iran that under a Trump presidency they would never get a nuke. When Billo asked how Trump would enforce such a threat, the Donald leaned forward authoritatively, “I’d take care of it.”

At times Trump sounded like a mafia don (or in this case, Donald), whereas at other times, especially when he pursed his lips, he looked like he was imitating a runway model. A very, very large runway model, mind you. Let’s be honest, the Donald has kind of let himself go. He’s starting to look like a blond Raymond Burr.

Since his non-announcement announcement the Donald is already in a feud with Bill Cosby who says Trump “should either run or shut up.” Then again the Donald is always in a feud of one kind or another. (He even boasts, “My whole life has been a war.”)

If he were elected to the stressful job of the presidency I just hope the Donald wouldn’t have a Rosie O’Donnell flashback and wind up in a name-calling attack on German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

To his supporters, Trump says he won’t rest until he knows the truth about Obama’s birth certificate. Funny but that’s kind of how I feel about his hair.

Jack can be reached at

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