In 2004, Pat Robertson was on the “Larry King Show” recounting a conversation that he had with God who told him that “Bush would win in a blowout” (making God sound more like Jimmy the Greek than the Almighty).

After the election, King reminded Robertson that the vote had been extremely close. “You know Larry,” Pat giggled, “sometimes you’re not sure if you’re talking to God or just hearin’ things.”

Robertson also paid a visit to the White House days before the Iraq invasion. Once again God had given him inside information, that the war would cost many American lives. What are the odds, but Bush told Robertson that he, too, had talked with God who said that there would be no casualties. (Dueling chats with God?)

Two alleged adults each convinced that they’d talked to God, while hundreds of thousands of innocent young lives hung in the balance. Why, of all the truly great thinkers in the world, would God pick Bush or Robertson? (Couldn’t he teach Bush to pronounce “nuclear?”)

One day after the Haiti earthquake, Pat put both feet in his mouth on his TV show, the “700 Club.” Robertson told an estimated 1 million devoted viewers exactly why the worst natural disaster in history had occurred. “Over 200 years ago the Haitians were under the boot of the French, Napoleon III or whatever.” (I love the “whatever” part.)

“The Haitians went to the devil (how?) and said, ‘If you free us from the French, we will serve you.’ And the devil responded, ‘You’ve got a deal.’” (Sounds like Howie Mandel’s “Deal or No Deal.”) Then Robertson said authoritatively, “And this is a true story,” as though he had been in the next room with a tape recorder.

After every natural disaster, Robertson, and the religious right lemmings, feel compelled to explain why God unleashed his (or her) wrath. Katrina was supposedly God punishing homosexuals in New Orleans. (Not much comfort to heterosexuals in Mississippi who drowned or were left homeless.)

Following 9/11, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson issued a statement “God may have allowed what the nation deserved because of moral decay.” They blamed pro-choice advocates and the ACLU. (Odd that Bin Laden didn’t mention either group.)

Frankly, after watching the images of the devastation in Haiti, I no longer find Pat amusing. He’s sick or senile, or a combination of both. And he’s dangerous. A million people a day believe he speaks the word of God. Poor God. Poor us.

Tens of thousands of Haitians (and some Americans) were bulldozed into large open pits serving as unmarked graves. Meanwhile, smiling Pat explained to his mindless masses that it’s all because the Haitians struck a deal with the devil. As Joseph Welch asked Joe McCarthy, “At long last, have you left no sense of decency?”

Some of Pat’s past preposterous predictions included that WW III would begin in 1980. In 1998, Robertson threatened that, as punishment for flying rainbow flags during Disney World’s Gay Days event, Orlando would be struck by earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor. Robertson also asked God for vacancies on the U.S. Supreme Court. (Usually precipitated by death or serious illness of a sitting justice.) And not long ago he advocated that the U.S. assassinate Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez. (Perhaps bananas isn’t a strong enough adjective for Pat?)

For my female readers, Robertson has quite a quote just for you. “Christ is the head of the household, and the husband is the head of the wife, and that’s the way it is, period.” I’d love to see Pat try to run that by Michelle Obama.

But Robertson isn’t the only demagogue exploiting the Haiti earthquake. The dead bodies weren’t even cold when Rush Limbaugh predicted that the Obama administration would use the Haitian tragedy to “appeal to the light-skinned and dark-skinned black communities.” Hateful, divisive rhetoric like that makes me want to make my own deal with the devil. Sure, I’d face eternal damnation, but getting rid of these two sicko narcissists might be worth it.

After eight years, prior to this one, I’m nauseous at the notion of dimwits in power “talking to God” and then making bonehead decisions that means life or death for others. For example, following the Iraq invasion, George Bush was asked if he had consulted with his father, who actually had experience fighting Saddam and could have provided helpful insights. “Oh no,” Bush said smiling (reminiscent of Pat’s) “He’s the wrong father. For that I talked to a higher father.” A higher father who told him there’d be no casualties? God should sue for defamation.

As Pat Robertson suggested, “Sometimes you’re not sure if you’re talking to God or just hearin’ things.” At worst George Bush was lying. At best he was hearin’ things.

When Jack isn’t busy avoiding the “700 Club,” he can be reached at

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