On Nov. 30, 2009, John Whitehead of That Rutherford Guy posted a column in the Daily Press entitled “Have we forgotten God?” His observations of religious values and faith being supplanted by “rampant materialism” jangled like winning a big metaphysical money hand of Texas Hold ‘em.

This “God” stuff though really torques these retro-hippies’ hip huggers into a proctological pucker print, eh? There hasn’t been this much liberal angst since a rich ball player cheated on his wife. Wow, like that’s never happened.

Speaking of Tiger, I think that we’re all in agreement that, as Elin was in Valkyrie-mode overload while chasing Tiger down the driveway, Tiger was probably praying feverishly in Michael Jackson falsetto, “Oh, please dear God, keep that crazy Viking from sending my stupid, skinny butt off to Valhalla! Jesus Christ, where’d that tree come from?”

Numbskulls like Tiger only “get religion” when there is a reasonable assumption that their jilted mate is about to book them on a one-way cruise down the river Styx. Quite frankly, I’m glad that karma has supplied Tiger a steep tsunami to surf on his marital ripcurl.

Folks, there isn’t a single person out there with half a brain stem intact that hasn’t had some intramural bull session over jugs of cheap red whine [sic] while postulating some suppositorial editorial on the toroidal nature of transcendental deity. The funny part is that everybody invariably gets it all wrong, so please pardon my elbows.

First of all, our human frailty always gets in the way of our divine immanence. Some people get this notion narcissistically backwards. Now I’ve always been of the opinion that everybody is entitled to their own silly superstitions regarding their personal relationship with their “imaginary friend.” (My favorite imaginary friend is Tyler Durden.) Even atheists believe in God. During a catastrophe or an orgasm, which can sometimes be the same thing for atheists, they don’t howl, “Oh, nobody! Oh, nobody!”

OK, which month is “Atheist History Month?” Name a famous atheist holiday. Is it April Fools’ Day? If, according to liberal atheists, people of faith are stupid, is the Rev. Martin Luther King therefore a moron? OK, maybe Ghandi was. He always wore a shower curtain in public.

Secondly, God does have a sense of humor. Just look in the mirror. The joke is in front you especially when you’re naked. Just point and laugh. After all, only us semi-sentient simians on this little blue cosmological marble called Earth can engage in that peculiar activity. God is also a crappy design engineer. If the only activity of which we seem to be truly capable is waging war then why did God attach a man’s most vulnerable appendage dangling out in front?

What more proof do you need? God’s a funny dude.

Speaking of jokes, in a recent SMDP Letter to the Editor entitled “Religion is evil,” one reader deciduously deconstructed that, “Religion ultimately leads to a dead-end to actually understanding the immense universe with hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with hundreds of billions of stars as well as dark matter and energy, etc.”

OK, to answer this “Carl Sagan moment,” is it an inconvenient truth that our heliocentric world was first postulated by a Polish Catholic priest named Copernicus? That the “Big Bang” theory is credited to Belgian Catholic priest/particle physicist, Monsignor George Lemaître? Why does the theology of Augustinian priest Gregor Mendel, the father of modern genetics, seem to drag its knuckles across the misanthropic mental cesspit of modern liberalistas? Can the name of English clergyman Joseph Priestley, the discoverer of “dephlogisticated air” now known as “oxygen,” ever effervesce through liberals’ intellectual hypoxia? Do atheists know that there are better things to do on the Internet than playing “Farmville” on Facebook. Are those cyber-chickens any less real than the God that atheists profess to disavow?

My farm has Mexican ninjas! I’ll send you some.

Please note that mytho-poetic religion and empirical science aren’t mutually exclusive. Look at the canoodling whackadoodles of “global warming.” While it’s delightful to fluff up the ether-filled eclair of one’s questionably liberal education, it’s an entirely different cupcake to actually squeeze out the soft squishy stuff from the center of one’s intellectual vacuity as an exercise in public stupidity. Stupidity’s not a virtue unless you have an “Obama ‘08” sticker parked on your Prius. Tom Hayden recently peeled his off and his IQ jumped 10 points!

To the pro-atheist goon platoons, most of this information that I’ve conveyed is found in these devices known as “books.” And is it the most inconvenient of truths that the first book printed by Johannes Gutenberg in 1455 was a bible?

Steve Breen believes in the “Cosmic Carrot Muffin” because it keeps him regular and is still “the best looking mailman in the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.

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