Standing outside of J. Crew over at the Third Street Promenade, I accosted 25 people who were heavily ladened with their Christmas swag to ask three questions: 1. How much did you spend? 2. Do you have more shopping to do? 3. Do you have health care?

Those lucky shoppers averaged $337 for their collective purchases. All respondents indicated that they had more shopping to do. Four people politely refused to answer my health care question while seven out of the remaining 21 admitted having no health care at all.

Wow. One third of the shoppers at Michelle Obama’s favorite rag palace lacks health care?

Is it an inconvenient truth that all seven of those same uninsured also felt that it was vital for the U.S. Senate to pass the KevorkianCare bill currently languishing on life support yet were oblivious to their own egregiously ethical disconnect vis-à-vis their current and future Christmas purchases? Hey folks, instead of buying overpriced Third World-produced clothing with money that you supposedly don’t possess, why not consider the possibility of providing your own health coverage so taxpayers don’t have to support your poor choices on the whimsy of your Obamanomical sense of entitlement?

Other gift oddities this year include Mattel’s ubiquitous Barbie doll line. To commemorate Barbie’s 50th anniversary, Mattel had a harem girl auction at Sotheby’s consisting of 500 “Burkha Barbies” by Italian designer Eliana Lorena. You know, nothing argues “feminism” like offering up for sale a girl tied up in a fashionable gunny sack.

Now picture your daughter in one.

It’s rumored that Mattel will probably offer a “Jihad Ken” accessorized with an all-pink suicide vest, matching AK-47 and radio-controlled Tonka truck bomb (napalm not included). It’ll be marketed as the “Napoleon Blownapart Play Set.” Hopefully Hasbro will re-launch a surge of full-size G.I. Joe’s to kick Jihad Ken’s skinny, metrosexual butt.

No worries though, as the relative-scale, 5-foot-9 Barbie is still an anorexic hotty at a svelte 110 pounds and a va-va-voom 36-18-33 chassis, which is what every smart girl endeavors to be if she wants to snag a rich golfer for a husband.

Speaking of “PutterGate,” will Elin Nordegren acquire a Nike endorsement on the Husband Shopping Network for her new line of all-titanium golf clubs? Tiger can testify that he and the little missus have a swinging good time when they go out for a little late-night clubbing and combat driver’s training. And ladies, if you act now and purchase Elin’s custom “Whack-a-Mole” 7 iron you will also receive a vintage Lorena Bobbitt carrot peeler to keep as a your free gift!

And for the soap-challenged retrograde hippie in your life, the Palmview, Texas police have seized a cache of the club drug, Ecstasy, that feature the face of our 44th president much like the Obama embossed blotter style LSD that Democrats dropped just before they hit the voting booth in November 2008.

What a long strange trip it’s been.

Obama has pressed the reset button on the new and improved AFPAK video war game complete with 30,000 grunts and Joe Biden’s super-ninja predator drone package. After months of gazing at his navel lint over his own Bush-lite surge, I am chagrined to say, if I may paraphrase our war chief’s lovely queen, “… that for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my [president].” Is it an inconvenient truth that anti-war quackmeisters squawked for war crimes tribunals against Dubya yet are now silent because of a mouthful of their own rhetoric now that their titular war president is henceforth a willing accessory after the fact to those same alleged war crimes? I’m sure that the International Criminal Court would agree. Maybe Vincent Bugliosi can be the lead prosecutor. After all, he did bag Charlie Manson.

How’s that Nobel Peace Prize hangin’, Mr. War President?

And Christmas came early for our Congressional employees. In this new era of Obamanian responsibility, Democrats overwhelmingly swept the Republicans on a vote (245-178) to keep their congressional pay raises intact, adding an extra $10,000 per annum to their salaries for 2010 and 2011. Meanwhile, seniors’ $660 per annum COLA’s were suspended while the cost of their Medicare premiums will go up $285.60 per year during that same period. Sixteen Republicans voted for this act of grinch-itude and I hope my conservative brethren in their districts put boots to glutes when these RINOs come up for reelection. If they want to vote like Democrats then let them tattoo a jackass on their collective foreheads and be Democrats.

Me? I’m heading over to Puzzle Zoo on Main to see if they have the new G.I. Jane doll.

Steve Breen acts like an unmedicated 5 year old at Christmas and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at

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