Part two in a series about torture

“SERE [Survival Evasion Resistance Escape] was the best training I’ve had. It prepared me for marriage.”

— Chuck Kasinger, U.S. Navy officer [ret], War Criminal No. 48, and Bruce Willis’ stunt-double.

No truer words have ever been spoken. And Obamatrons think that waterboarding is torture? If proffered the choice between being waterboarded or facing a megalodon divorce attorney, I’d make a $787 billion stimulus-sized wager that most folks would enthusiastically opt for a session of “rub-a-dub-dub, three-men-in-a tub” over the litigious cannibalism called “family court.”

For the enlightenment of feckless “hopium addicts” out there with no conspicuous hobbies other than timing their neighbor’s gardener using a weed blower or pandering at tractor pulls, enhanced interrogation techniques [EIT] such as “waterboarding,” “walling” and “boxing” do not reify “torture.”

In reference to the Bush EIT memos, the term “torture,” as an implement of political utility, clumsily wielded by the Holder clown carnival at the Department of Justice while legally held as inaccurate under sections 2340 and 2340A of the federal penal code, its recent and correct application by the DOJ in Demjanjuk v. Holder successfully addressed the definitions of “specific intent” and “general intent.” Holder’s own recent testimony before Congress on the matter essentially denies prosecution of anyone connected with crafting or implementing any of the EITs described in the Bush administration memos.

Sorry, Mr. President, but it appears you need a new shade of lipstick for your piggy.

But let’s look at real “torture,” shall we? This past Memorial Day weekend occasioned the Bondage Ball in Hollywood. Was there anything that reasonably occurred among the leather and lather crowd in Hollywood that was more “torturous” than anything that was possibly done to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed by hunky Marines at Gitmo?

Don’t forget your “safe word!”

Is it an inconvenient truth that jihadi terrorists merit more fetishistic civil rights from Obama than his gay/lesbian supporters in bondage deserve insofar as they just don’t ask nor tell? Well, spank me and call me “Nancy!”

I spent my SERE “summer vacation” during July of 1986 at a special camp located in the wind-swept, rattlesnake-infested desert boonies near San Diego. “The Facility” was a full blown mock up of a concentration camp complete with weapons towers, concrete bunkers, concertina wire and large white men in Russian uniforms beating the holy crap out of you.

I enthusiastically volunteered.

The Facility’s existence and scripted scenario makes the reality TV show “Survivor” appear like “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” by comparison. Its purpose is to expose U.S. Navy and Marine personnel to the hazards of possible capture and interrogation by enemy forces of the U.S. It was a lot of “fun” but then again I have a sick and twisted notion of what constitutes “fun.”

Meanwhile, as veterans get to have all of the “fun,” constipated conspiracy theory Democrats clamor for “truth tribunals” and then flatulently insist that 69-year-old Nancy Pelosi is as honest in her claims against the CIA as she is about her hair color.

“No freezing deserts for me, just frozen snowy [Maine] in November … everyone was stripped down to their birthday suits … I got to spend some quality time in a small box … the guards comment was, ‘this is the only decision you will make here. Do you want your head in that corner or that corner [of the box]?’”

— Dave “Odie” Bodin, SERE graduate, former Olongapo rodeo champion.

Let me get this straight: naked, cold and locked in a box like a meat-sicle and sunny Gitmo is somehow “torture” for terrorists?

“Boxing,” as an EIT, is not a pugilistic endeavor. It employs a simple, sturdy and somewhat smallish wooden box with a locking lid. You enter the box in a yogic fetal position (think “child’s pose”). You are then locked in the box and wait until claustrophobia sets in. You can’t move as the dimensions of the box precludes no more than about 1 to 2 inches of movement in any given direction depending on your size. Get comfortable, though, as you’re going to be here awhile, a long while, after an effervescent and stylishly delivered beating, of course.

Is it fair to question the president, despite his uniquely uninformed opinion, as to what “other means” of interrogation to which he was referring that are somehow more efficacious than EITs? How does the Community-Organizer-in-Chief, who has never so much as managed a Dairy Queen, now qualify the rules of interrogation against an implacable foe when the security of the American people is at risk? Let me guess, do we now have to ask terrorists, “Pretty please with sugar on top” or possibly suffer a stern finger-wagging?

Think about it, folks. I’ll be in my box when you need me.

Steve Breen is hanging out with Dick Cheney in his new undisclosed location and is still the “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at

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