Editor’s note: Part 1 of a 3 part series on torture

SERE is the military acronym for Survival Evasion Resistance and Escape. SERE provides a peculiar corpus of life long skill sets for specialized military personnel [SEALS, pilots, Aircrewmen, special intel operators] to utilize conspicuous discernment for what is necessary to survive in a combat situation if they find themselves compromised behind enemy lines with the possibility of capture and interrogation.

“The big guard stands me in front of the mattress and tells me to spread my legs … [t]hen he grabs me, drives his knee into the inside of my thigh. I come up off the floor a good 1 to 2 feet and he slams me into the mattress.”

— Ben Unkefer, SERE graduate, Federal law enforcement knuckle dragger, retired Chippendale dancer.

Folks, I am a graduate of SERE. I have been slapped, punched, kicked, strip searched, cavity checked and starved by my government with your tax dollars to gratefully serve this republic. I have been “walled,” “boxed” and “waterboarded” (which I will describe in detail throughout this series). I have enlisted three other SERE graduates to complement my own experiences.

While trivial, balding and corpulent armchair dilettantes from the Democratic Underground and Huffington Post engage in disturbing arguments that ooze from the puerile pustules of their necrotic intellectual constructs and wallow within the abscess of their ethically bankrupt naiveté, please allow me to interject the salient real-deal testimony of the “been there, done that, got the beer mugs and T-shirts” brigade.

My compatriots and I have not whined to Amnesty International, taken our cases to the ACLU nor found ourselves on an episode of odious “Dr. Phil.” Oddly, they don’t seem to think that we are worthy of “torture poster child” status like 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM) either. We’re not “victim-y” enough, I guess.

More oddly, however, neither does President Obama although the SERE program that allegedly “tortures” American service members is still part of specialized American military training. And while the identical “enhanced interrogation techniques” (EIT) employed against radical jihadi scumbags is patronizingly declared as a “dark and painful chapter in our history” by the Prevaricator-in-Chief, is it an inconvenient truth that his closest brush with “torture” was having a teleprompter malfunction which then put him at a loss for words?

At least KSM possesses the Bill Maher-ian “courage” of his religious convictions (indiscriminately killing infidels) while President Obama, possessing the calcareous spine of Sponge Bob Square Pants, now revives the “failed policies of George W. Bush” by reconvening military tribunals. This political contrivance is much to the chagrined consternation of the human-rights-doofus-clique who voluntarily waterboarded themselves with Obama’s “hope and change” flavored Kool-Aid.

“We didn’t have the waterboard in Maine. We had the ‘smoke version’ … which basically involves being made immobile [with] some [interrogator] shot-gunning cheap tobacco [smoke] through a rubber hose until you puke, pass out or cry uncle.”

— Dave “Odie” Bodin SERE graduate, U.S. president in 2012 and French ninja.

By now, unless you’ve been grazing on Nancy Pelosi’s earwax, waterboarding is simulated drowning. The “simulated” part is important. I understand that attention deficit disorder is rampant among liberals therefore I am writing this very slowly because I know they can’t read very fast:

1) No radical jihadi has ever drowned to death during EITs.

2) No radical jihadi has ever drowned to death during EITs.

3) See No. 1.

According to an August 2002 memo from the Office of Legal Counsel to the CIA, there are stringent procedures outlining the use of EITs. After I read the memo, I realized that I, and my fellow SERE graduates, had been definitely shortchanged. There were a great many liberties available to jihadi terror monkeys that were not available to U.S. military personnel experiencing the same alleged “torture.”

Folks, this memo is not the Malleus Maleficarum of the Inquisition. There were no iron maidens, thumb screws, red hot pokers or trial by faith mentioned. Please note, CIA interrogators did not behead KSM’s children in front of him to force a confession in the same fun and fashionable way he sawed off the head of journalist Daniel Pearl and videotaped it for the benefit of his widow and his colleagues at the Wall St. Journal. KSM gets his kicks on Route 666.

“I don’t know why them Arabs would wanna [sic] leave nice sunny Gitmo.”

— Joey Allen, SERE graduate, world traveler and redneck/warrior restaurateur.

KSM and his fellow terrorists are so well fed, feted and hosteled on your tax dollars that they have gained an average of 20 pounds in captivity which is more than you can say for Daniel Pearl, who lost a grisly 10. And what, pray tell again, is your definition of torture Mr. President and Madame Speaker?

Next week we go SERE-iously medieval. “Welcome to Hell, War Criminal No. 4!”

Steve Breen is Dick Cheney’s evil twin and is still “the best looking mailman in the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.