So, this week, inspired by Lady Gaga, I plan to visit Grizzly National Park wearing a suit made of raw meat. If you’ll remember the suit Ms. Gaga wore to the MTV Music Video Awards, it was made of raw meat. As that may be appropriate to wear to an awards event, at Grizzly National Park it would be considered suicide-by-bear.
As a man, I’ve done my best to keep my “eyes up here,” but I find it’s getting more and more silly. We’ve got to the point that we must pretend the Emperor has clothes on. If you’re unfamiliar with the old fairy tale, two crooked weavers tell the Emperor that he has the most beautiful clothes in the world in his hands, and convinces the Emperor to wear these imaginary clothes in public. The end result is the Emperor walks around naked, and everyone pretends he has clothes on even though he’s nude.
Walk into an office today and more and more women are walking around nearly naked. They have figured out what repeated studies showed, that men, on average, are dumber when a partially naked woman enters a room. If you doubt this statistic, ask any woman who is showing off her recent breast augmentation.
So, let me go back to wearing meat in Grizzly National Park. Is it irresponsible of me to wear meat around bears, or is it wrong of the bears to want to eat me? Are we really so stupid as to pretend that naked women don’t have a primal effect on testosterone filled men in a locker room? This is where I bring up the story of the former Miss Spain, Ines Sainz. You see, she walks into the New York Jets locker room with clothing that’s painted onto her body, and is then surprised at the reaction. As most attention seekers will tell you, they had no idea that dressing like a stripper causes people to look at them.
To all male and female attention whores, stop lying to yourself and dress appropriately if you don’t want that kind of attention. If you dress like a stripper, make sure you have a large bouncer near you at all times, like other professionals do. Ms. Sainz told CNN’s Rick Sanchez on Monday that “from the moment she entered, she felt all eyes were on her.” Ms. Sainz goes on to say, “I feel [a] little uncomfortable because evidently it is not easy to be in the locker room and hear and notice that everybody is speaking about you.”
“I think that it’s not good that these kinds of things happen and it mustn’t happen anymore,” Ms. Sainz told CNN. “Everyone knows that a woman or a man deserves the same treatment in the locker room.” I couldn’t agree with her more. If I walk in to my office naked I’m sure I’d be treated just like her. It would be silly of me to then look at the other people and say “eyes up here please.”
Men are visual creatures. This is why men purchase 90 percent of the pornography, 90 percent of the lap dances, and why Los Angeles County doesn’t even have a dedicated strip club with men striping anymore. How about we all look at a little reality? Ms. Sainz is a smart woman with a law degree, but not a journalism degree or a background in sports. We all know that she was picked for the job because of her looks, and not for her vast knowledge of sports. Having posed for Maxim Magazine, she’s aware that her looks, and her willingness to dress like a stripper at work, helped her more than her law degree. In short, she knows she uses her looks to her advantage and that is not a crime, but it is silly of her to complain when she uses her advantages inappropriately in the wrong environment.
Now I know that I’ll receive a great deal of hate mail from men telling me to shut up. But the fact is men have tacitly approved of this behavior for the obvious reasons. Let’s face it, most heterosexual men have quietly enjoyed the scenery, while women have enjoyed making the scene. But, let’s not pretend that it’s not going on. This is a primal sexual dance between men and women. If Ms. Sainz does not want to be objectified she should dress the part. No matter how irresponsibly a woman dresses, that is never a justification for violence. But that is not what is being debated here. What is being debated is whether or not she was treated appropriately or not by the men in that locker room.
What’s appropriate and inappropriate is easy enough to figure out. Ladies and gentlemen, if you find yourself saying “eyes up here please” a few too many times at work, take a little responsibility and do something about it. You are being paid for your brain and not your body. Unless of course you actually are a prostitute, stripper or model.
David Alsabery is looking forward to seeing the bears and is an all around nice guy. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.