Welcome to the tea party

Let me get this straight, the current hyperventilated hypothesis from the Olympian thunder-dolts of statist progressivism have hysterically interpolated that conservative talk show personalities are instigating violence amongst a malcontent “fringe element” of cuckoo conservatives against the current administration? Is it an inconvenient truth that, according to last month’s Nielsen ratings, conservative provocateur Glenn Beck’s 5 p.m. slot exceeded the viewership of all three of his cable competition every day in the month of September? 

And liberals are afraid of this one, one news guy? Wow.

Google the pictures and the D.C. Mall video from the Sept. 12 tea party protests. According to Dan Bana, the official spokesman of the National Park Service, it was “the biggest event ever.” Bigger than even Obama’s inaugural. That tea party “fringe element” was therefore in excess of 2.2 million Americans on Sept. 12.

Do the math, folks, that’s a lot of fringe.

The Queen of Whine and Cheese, Nancy Pelosi, sniffs that any protesters not suffering from hope-ophilia are un-American while U.S. veterans are deemed enemies of the state by Homeland Security Secretary Napolitano. Consider the coy, prime-time boob tube of MSM wonder-twins Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who have repeatedly sniggered and sexualized ordinary Americans as “teabaggers” on national television.

Meanwhile The One exhorts his O-zombies into a conservo-hate frenzy to “get in [conservative’s] faces” and if “they bring a knife to the fight, then we bring a gun.” Reality check, folks — most broccoli-eaters from Obama-in-Wonderland forget that many meat-eating conservatives possess most of the real guns in the US. So what’re are you going to do, Mr. Rasta Pajama Hippie? Beat me to death with your organic hemp yoga mat? 

Government-sanctioned epithets, however, are termed in the conservative vernacular as “fighting words.” So if you want to tango, pilgrim, you can’t then be offended if your pinko piggley-wigglies get stylishly stomped on the political dance floor. Why should I be bound by liberalism’s rules of polity that they themselves refuse to apply to their own sanctimonious behavior? 

Sorry, but it’s my conservative karma to run over your liberal dogma. 

Is it an inconvenient truth that Demo-desperation has become so anxious that even Bill Clinton and his sycophant saxophone polishers have even resurrected their imaginary hobgoblins of the “vast right wing conspiracy?” Oogedy-boogedy! 

Folks, how powerful can any conservative conspiracy truly be when the mindless minions from Barack’s Unicorn Rainbow Party (BURP) have control of both houses of Congress and the White House? The BURPers could pass legislation tomorrow afternoon that subsidized a year’s supply of Skittle-flavored condoms with a free pony for everyone and there wouldn’t be a damned thing that anyone could do about it except buy stock in manure shovels and recycled Chinese tires. So why doesn’t Barack’s Unicorn Rainbow Party just pass their precious “KevorkianCare Bill” and be done with it? Why the panic?

Never attribute to conservative malice that which can be simply explained by liberal stupidity or progressive incompetence.

Another issue that has BURPers with their Pampers in overload-mode Alpha is the theme of alleged conservative-generated death threats to the president. To be wholly and sadistically unfair then allow me to feed your self-inflicted paranoia. Is it an inconvenient truth that the two commodities that are being purchased faster than Sarah Palin’s new book are bullets and Spam? 

That’s a lot of books, folks. 

In the course of human events, please recall that the last time we, the people, took to the streets to insure domestic tranquility while defending our overtaxed pocketbooks was against a tyrannical king and his snarky little lackeys from “spreading the wealth around” back in 1776. Recall that it didn’t work out so good for that king back then and it’s not looking so good for this current king either. 

Conservatives, by practice, prefer the ballot box but we are not shy about using, on purpose, the bullet box either. We take our clues from Thomas Jefferson’s more sanguinary observations about despots and arboreal irrigation. 

To address the fear-mongering of liberal-imagined conservative-directed assassination threat against Prince Obama of Grayskull Castle, let’s look at the history of political murderers and want to be bloodletters: Lee Harvey Oswald was an avowed Marxist as was Jim “Kool-Aid” Jones. Sirhan Sirhan was a pro-Palestinian Israel hater. Harvey Milk’s killer, Dan White, was a Democrat as was Lincoln’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth. And I wholly doubt that Gerald Ford’s assailants, lefty radical Sara Jane Moore and mangy Manson trollop Lynette “Squeeky” Fromme, will be having a tea party any time soon with Dick Cheney. He’d probably shoot them both on sight.

Conservatives want to kill the president? Fantasies like this just make me want to go “BURP!”

Steve Breen was raised on Spam, gunpowder and Old Glory and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.