OK, let me get this straight, Massachusetts, the bluest bedwetting bellwether state in the union went “Brown” as career party hack Martha Coakley, got teabagged by the Fenway Park proletariat and dropped a 30-point lead to lose in a dogmatic dogfight for rental rights to Ted Kennedy’s senatorial barstool against a former Cosmopolitan pin-up boy? Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

As a proud “teabagger” myself, allow me to point out that it is much better to be a “teabagg-ER” than a “teabagg-EE.” This is a tough tonic for most liberals to swallow even while they sit there with their jaws agape in awe. Meanwhile, the Demo-party apparatchiks of the Bolshevik Bay state, with POTUS in the vanguard, just sat there in cluttered cluelessness as those racist, sexist, homophobic, teabagging, KKK cranberry bog farmers from suburban Massachusetts, while bitterly clinging to their guns and bibles, preferred “Downtown” Scotty Brown over crown princess-select Coakley.

Folks, if the most liberal candidate for the most liberal Senate seat in the most liberal state in the union can eat red rubber from under the oolong-flavored mud flaps of Scotty Brown’s electoral dump truck, then the Oxymoron-in-Chief might want to step back from the legislative passing lane.

On the night of the State of The Onion address (SOTO), I sat in communal repast with my SMDP colleague, Dave Alsabery. We consumed marbled slabs of roasted dead animal flesh, Yamazaki single malt scotch and aged Bolivar cigars while hiding in plain sight behind enemy lines in the Democratic People’s Republic of ObamaMonica at an undisclosed bunker with Uncle Dick Cheney. We availed ourselves on this fulsome “man-date” to critique the SOTO address. We cackled ourselves silly while plotting a South American coup.

OK, despite the fact that this farcical event of Obama-monomania was a political snooze-party that had Janet “Nap Time” Napolitano snoring like a beached cetacean, Dave and I had our own acerbic observations on the landscape of Hopeychangistan 2010. My highlights, in no particular order, are based upon the amount of scotch I might have imbibed consequent to the ratio of stupidity that the president uttered during this constitutionally-required drivel festival. Maybe it was the scotch but the rewind function on TiVo was a godsend of technological jocularity.

Obama did a deciduous doh-si-doh during his SOTO speech. Folks, no matter which way you cut this onion, it still stinks while bringing tears to your eyes even when you’re laughing your tea bag off! He declaimed that tax cuts were the way to stimulate business? Has he become Cpt. McCain’s campaign parrot? Obama then subtly invoked “drill, baby, drill!” in support of nuclear power and drilling for oil on American soil. Does this now make him as smart as Sarah Palin.

Last May, the Astrologer-in-Chief prognosticated that “The stars are aligned” vis-à-vis KevorkianCare. OK, if reality was a stellar black hole, then KevorkianCare just collapsed under the weight of it’s own corpulent flatulence. It is also not “smart power” to score cheap political style points and pimp slap the members of the Supreme Court in a public forum just because one disagrees with a recent legal decision which is inconvenient to one’s future career plans. Life’s tough, Mr. President. Wear a helmet. You’re not on food stamps anymore.

The combined legal experience of the Supreme Court is 381 years while Obama’s is a scant two years as a practicing part-time associate litigator. I’m more predisposed to trust the court’s jurisprudence over his. Justices Scalia and Kennedy began practicing law in the same year Obama was born. Justice Sam “That’s not true” Alito began his law career when Obama was a teen. If Obama was arrogance in motion, he’d be the Bolshoi ballet.

Additionally, the alleged Constitutional-Scholar-in-Chief then later made a statement during his SOTO address: “We find unity … on the promise enshrined in our Constitution: the notion that we are all created equal.” OK, misquoting the Declaration of Independence as the Constitution hardly qualifies one for “The Smartest Guy in the Room Award.”

Grade: D+

Lastly, to support his infantile fantasy of cutting “discretionary funding,” the Obama administration plans to impose a freeze on discretionary spending which could put a stop to a long term health bill for 9/11 first responders and clean-up crews at Ground Zero. It was $11 billion spread out over 30 years (approximately $366 million per year) for long term medical needs and early death benefits for police, fire and rescue workers. Meanwhile, terrorists get government-funded ACLU lawyers and Gitmo is still Club Med for al-Qaida.

Care for some tea, Mr. President?

Steve Breen is as mad as a hatter at a tea party and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.

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