The rumors are true. I was not invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. I have no idea why. I never said or did anything cruel to either Bill or Hillary Clinton. I never met Marc’s family, so why would they be mad at me? It’s all a mystery. The invitation couldn’t have gotten lost in the mail. You don’t just drop an invitation to a former first daughter’s wedding in your neighborhood mailbox. You walk down to the post office, you wait in that dreadful line, and you pay the few extra bucks to insure the thing. No, they left me off the list on purpose, and they didn’t do it in a classy way.
I understand that they couldn’t invite everyone. I’m sure the Clintons had to let the Mezvinskys invite five or six of their friends. However, when you have limited space at a wedding, you don’t just refrain from inviting people. You pick up the phone, you apologize, and you explain that you can’t invite everybody. I would have understood.
I voted for Bill twice. I thought the way he conducted his personal life was stupid, but not worthy of wasting the country’s time and money on impeachment hearings. And this is how he thanks me? I never criticized Hillary’s love of pantsuits. I don’t care what she wears. For that kind of support, she treats me like this? How much space would I have taken up at the wedding? How much food would I have eaten? How many times did they think I’d ask the band to play, “Louie, Louie?”
I happen to be a great guest at parties. Often people seat me next to their crazy aunt or that family friend that they just had to invite. And if I’m sitting next to this person, the host and hostess don’t have to worry about being embarrassed. Do you honestly think that there was nobody who needed this kind of attention at this wedding? Does the name Roger Clinton mean anything to you?
Maybe it seems like sour grapes, but that wedding doesn’t sound so wonderful anyway. For openers, there were food issues. Chelsea is a vegan, and no, that’s not someone from “Star Trek.” I’m a picky eater, but I don’t expect everyone I eat with to have my tastes. Chelsea, on the other hand, made sure there was a “goodie bag” for all the guests in their hotel rooms filled with gluten-free chocolate chip cookies. How appetizing does that sound? I hope she didn’t make people sleep on mattress-free beds.
Here’s an example of how dull things were in the town where the wedding took place. According to the “New York Times,” teenage boys chased Madeleine Albright down the street, trying to get her autograph. Do you need more proof than that?
There is one reason I can think of for my not being invited to the wedding, but it’s so juvenile I’m reluctant to bring it up. Chelsea and Marc both went to Stanford, and I went to Cal-Berkeley. Of course, there is a huge rivalry between the two schools, but even someone who is stuck up enough to go to Stanford should not be hung up on this rivalry by the time they are 30. I’ve gotten over it, but I guess Chelsea and Marc haven’t. Just because Stanford has the most ridiculous mascot in all of college sports, doesn’t mean a Stanford graduate should act ridiculously, too. I guess Chelsea and Marc have that typical Stanford immaturity and that’s why they couldn’t invite someone who went to a truly great university.
I know what you’re thinking. I shouldn’t take this whole thing personally. Look at all the famous people who weren’t at the wedding: Oprah, Steven Spielberg, and Barbra Streisand are among those who are usually mentioned by the press. There are other famous people who weren’t there: For example, Bill Gates, Nelson Mandela, and Lady Gaga. Also not on the list were George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Ernie Banks. Come to think of it, the group of people who weren’t invited are more interesting and fun than those who were invited. I see now that I should be proud to be in this elite company. So, I’ll just stick with Mandela and Lady Gaga and the others. With friends like those, who needs Chelsea and Marc?
Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.” He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.