Everyone’s positive that Barack Obama will be a one-term president. It’s reflected on the Sunday chat shows, in public opinion polls and even in e-mails from my readers. (One wrote saying that Obama is a socialist, a Muslim and a Nazi. Between you and me, it’s not easy to be so dumb.)
However, I have an idea for an Obama TV ad that possibly could turn the tide in 2012. It would feature his daughters, Malia and Sasha, on their swing set behind the White House. The ad asks, “Do you want to make these girls homeless?” (OK, maybe it’s not such a great idea.)
One would think that Obama’s poll numbers would make the GOP debates more compelling. (They certainly can’t be less.) So far there have been nine televised debates, although no one has admitted to watching one from beginning to end.
The latest clown, I mean, candidate, to shoot himself in the foot is front-runner Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza (with the tagline, “A pizza you can’t refuse”). When asked if he’d ever settled a sexual harassment suit, Cain responded with a straight face (and a nose that seemed to grow as he spoke), “Outside of the restaurant association, absolutely not.” Outside? That’s his denial? Good grief.
Until this, Cain was most known for his proposed radical 9-9-9 tax plan (which I naturally thought was the price of a Godfather’s pizza.) As it happens, there aren’t any Godfather’s in Santa Monica. The website says we can order online, but the closest Godfather’s is at a truck stop in Barstow, Calif. For delivery you can call (760) 253-4093, though, given the distance, it’d probably be best to order well in advance of being hungry, and be prepared to give a substantial tip.
Michele Bachman is also running for president (good grief number two). Congresswoman Bachman is 55 and very attractive except for her “crazy eyes” (and annoying voice, which is as grating as Palin’s, and that’s saying something).
Ms. Bachman has been married to Marcus Bachman for 33 years (or exactly 32 years and 293 days longer than Kim Kardashian was married to Kris Humphries). Marcus is deeply religious and vehemently anti-gay. He runs clinics that receive government funding that reportedly attempt to convert gay men into being straight. (“Pray away the gay,” so to speak.)
Marcus’ apparent homophobia is reminiscent of former U.S. Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig who was arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom for soliciting gay sex. Both are GOP conservatives with militant anti-gay views and yet both seem, well, gay. Go to YouTube and type “Marcus Bachman” and see what I mean.
While you’re at YouTube, type “Rick Perry bizarre video.” It’s Rick giving a speech in New Hampshire that was so bizarre it made George Bush’s infamous “It’s hard to put food on your family,” or “I believe in the rights of the unborn feces” seem like great oratory. All I can say about Perry’s speech is that at best he was drunk. At worst he wasn’t.
Cain’s and Perry’s gaffes have been a windfall for Willard (the Mitt) Romney. Let’s face it, Willard has to be the GOP nominee. He could win on the platform, “I’m not them.” At this point I’d probably mention Romney’s Mormon “magic underwear” but I did that years ago and was scolded by a Mormon elder who read my column. “How would you like it if I made yarmulke jokes?” he e-mailed. I responded that I did just that in a prior column i.e., “Jewish men wear yarmulkes for two reasons. One, to show respect for God. Two, to cover the bald spot.”
For only a paragraph, I want to switch from national clowns to local ones. On Wednesday, after looting $189 million from the Dodgers, Frank McCourt finally agreed to sell the team. (I can only hope that my column and Facebook page, “Don’t Support McCourt” was a factor.) Then there’s Kim Kardashian, whose $10 million wedding to Kris Humphries works out to $138,888 a day. It’s a tossup between Frank and Kim whom I’m sick of more.
But back to the GOP debates. The only candidate I like is Ron Paul, who was against the war in Iraq and questions why we still have troops in Germany and Japan. (Why do we?) Apparently, with 662 military bases in 38 countries worldwide, running an empire is not cheap.
Unfortunately, because of space, I’ve overlooked Newt Gingrich, which given his recent girth, is not easy. And I’ve also neglected Rick Santorum, who generally looks confused as in, “What am I doing here?” (Basically what Kim said about her marriage to Kris.)
Set your DVRs, gang, as there are 14 more GOP presidential debates before March 19. Personally, I don’t know if I can stand the excitement.
Jack can be reached at Jnsmdp@aol.com.