The other day, Sarah Palin announced that she will be working for Fox News. She said one of the reasons that she is excited about working there is because it is a place “… that so values fair and balanced news.” As an opinion columnist, nobody expects me to be “fair and balanced,” but news shows were once. But she actually called today’s Fox News “fair and balanced?” Obviously, the people at Fox may represent the conservative, right wing viewpoint if they want to, just as MSNBC presents the left wing, liberal viewpoint. But I certainly wouldn’t call either of them “fair and balanced.” That would be as silly as saying, “I can see Russia from my house.”
Like many people, I couldn’t resist watching her debut on the “The O’Reilly Factor.” I gave into the “must look at a car accident” impulse. Some of her rambling sentences seemed longer than her job as Alaska’s governor. There should have been a button to push to get a simultaneous English translation. She made up words like, “uncomfortableness.” But everybody makes little mistakes when they’re on TV, so let’s not linger on her lack of elementary school grammar.
When it came to discussing facts, she seemed to obfuscate the issue. (Sarah, if you’re reading this, don’t be embarrassed to look up obfuscate.) However, it was clear that she implied that except for her, everyone who was involved in her campaign is lying now. It would be nice to see her take responsibility for something. After all, the buck elk stops with her.
In the past, several people have used television to help make them stronger political candidates. Ronald Reagan is a good example. However, I saw Ronald Reagan on television, and you, Madame, are no Ronald Reagan.
The Fox announcement said that Palin will appear on several shows, rather than merely being on just one program. This got me thinking. If she has an overall contract with Fox, maybe she’ll also appear on shows that aren’t news programs. “24” has been a guilty pleasure of mine for years, and it would be perfect for Palin. Its lead character doesn’t let liberal, wishy-washy things like personal liberties and Constitutional limitations get in his way. “The Simpsons” might be a match for someone that many people consider a cartoon character. “Fringe” probably has the most appropriate title for the former governor. And to many, she is an “American Idol.”
Actually, my speculations might not be all that far-fetched. On the same day that Fox announced that Palin would be joining them, they announced that Simon Cowell, the acerbic co-host of “American Idol,” will be leaving after this season. Coincidence? Maybe. But don’t you think she’d be perfect for the show? It would be a great forum for this millionaire celebrity to continue to push her image as a “just folks, regular person like you and me.” Can’t you just hear her after someone’s singing performance? “We don’t have an opera house in Wasilla, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know good singing when I hear it because, like a lot of real Americans, I still sing in our choir, and your voice reminds me of some of the birds we heard when we went hunting last week and saw a bald eagle that’s no longer on the liberal, tree hugging endangered species list. You know what should be on the endangered species list? Middle class Americans who work hard, have kids, pay their bills, and don’t want the government to be in their lives except when it comes to Medicare, Social Security, and not paying a penny more than a fair price for all the American flags made in China. And I am 100 percent pro-life except when it comes to killing innocent animals, but we eat therefore we hunt so I don’t think this is the right time to raise taxes, especially on a young woman like you who has the chance to be a singing star in the greatest country in the world.”
In another amazing coincidence, on the same page of the newspaper that announced Sarah Palin’s signing with Fox News, there was an article that said that scientists have now determined that watching too much TV can actually shorten your life. So if I didn’t have a good enough reason to avoid watching Sarah Palin on television, I do now.
Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.” He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his Web site at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.