Last Friday, as I was getting ready for work, my wife was on the Internet and exclaimed, “Barack Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize!” I told her, in mid-shave, that it was a little late for an April Fools’ joke. She replied, “No, really … Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.” She had to call the paramedics as I was paralyzed by the shock-and-guffaw from the comedy of it all.

Folks, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize is akin to fantasizing that alien cannibal-zombies from outer space have just landed at the Third Street Promenade — until one of them actually jumps out and eats your brain. The zombies, I mean, not the president.

It’s not Obama’s fault. Even he went, “Huh?” Since his most successful endeavor to date has been “Cash for Clunkers,” he was just as flummoxed as the rest of planet Earth that he found himself rubbing resumes with other Peace Prize humanitarians like Henry Kissinger and Yasser Arafat.

Is it just me or did the Oslo gang of five just clown itself and award the Peace Prize like a bunch of high school students, with popularity being more important than substance?

I am confident, however, that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs will be streetwalking outside of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. wearing fishnet pantyhose and stiletto heels to promiscuously pander this inane booby prize. It’s going to be a tough sell, though, no matter how cute he looks in his Daisy Dukes.

And how dare the Nobel Prize patrol embarrass our president when he’s doing such a remarkably splendid job all on his own? Sadly, the “Saturday Night Live” skit was vapidly tepid. I was hoping Tina Fey would chirp a Sarah Palin-inspired “you betcha” and bestow a successive slew of accolades upon the president like a Cy Young Award for his pitching arm, a NASCAR trophy cup for his auto bailouts, a Pulitzer Prize for signing his name to the KevorkianCare bill and, lastly, an Emmy for appearing late night with lecherous filth-monkey David Letterman. Unfortunately, Toastmaster’s International doesn’t have an awards category for speaking Obamatelepromptish.

Give me more cowbell!

Will Wolf “The Jeopardy Bomber” Blitzer fact-check “SNL” for accuracy as “’SNL’ is an important factor in how people get information about American politics?” Sorry, folks, but most of us conservatives get our information about American politics by reading things like the Constitution, Guns and Ammo, the Federalist Papers and Popular Mechanics. It’s probably why there is such a disjuncture of opinion between red-blooded Americans and the blue-blooded citizens of Prius-world.

Folks, as the most conservative creation to lumber out of Dr. Cheney-stein’s laboratory, I will now go against my software programming and say that Bill Clinton is more deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize than Obama. See? I just said something nice about Bill Clinton. I’m over it now. I just feel so dirty though.

Bubba did stop the wholesale slaughter of Muslims in the Bosnian civil war. OK, he did crater around protecting Americans at Mogadishu, the World Trade Center, Riyadh, our embassies and the USS Cole, but at least he kept the Muslims safe. If you’re going to make a real-world politick omelet, you’ve got to break a few egos sometimes.

By comparison, Obama’s leadership continually demonstrates that the word “waffle” is both a noun and a verb, so can I understand Obama’s discomfiture over the award. It’s rumored, however, that Rahm Emmanuel has unleashed an ACORN hit squad to find the nut job who nominated Obama in the first place.

Another more worthy contender? Joe Biden, that’s who! Nobody on Team Obama has more Happy Hour-style foreign relations expertise than Joe Biden. Just ask any Hindustani who owns a liquor store or a donut shop. And Joe gets his kicks by having well-deserving folks stand up and take a bow for their own accomplishments. Provided, of course, that you can get up out of your wheelchair first.

Actually, the guy that most liberals would love to see win a Nobel Peace Prize would be the DNC’s Chairman Emeritus Che Guevara. His face is on just as many T-shirts as the ever-popular Obama. And popularity seems to be the only criteria it takes these days to win a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steve Breen has a lot of “nice wallpaper awards” too and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.

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