The orgiastic “Love Obama/Hate Bush” columns from the liberal illiterati in the SMDP two weeks ago were so lubricious that you could practically smell the friction burns on the newsprint! This intellectually insolvent Axis of Idiots cottaged around their penurious narrative faster than George Michael finding a quarter outside of a West Hollywood pay toilet and exclaiming,“Wow! This is the change I’ve been waiting for!” As it would be easier than drowning goldfish to confound their risibly self-inflicted fallacies, I will address the Orifice of Change directly:
Dear Mr. Obama,
I am typing this slowly as I know you can’t read very fast without a TelePrompTer but please accept my hearty congratulations on “Change: Year One” or more precisely, for the ninth successful year of the Bush administration. After all, imitation is considered the sincerest form of flattery and sometimes a “monkey see, monkey do” strategy helps in unfamiliar work environments.
However, to demur the responsibility of your office by slavishly reposing in Dubya’s overwhelming shadow then one can only conclude that you are demonstrably too impotent to define your own presidency on the merits of its flaccid exploits. It’s not that you’re our redoubtable 44th president inasmuch as you’re our rather droopy 43rd-and-a-half president.
I sleep a little better at night, however, knowing that you have continued the Constitution-shredding practices of the Patriot Act, FISA wiretaps and terror detainee renditions although you do have problems with free-range party crashers at your state dinners. If you can’t protect your chicken nuggets from uninvited interlopers at the buffet table, how can you prevent the predation of Islamic panty-bombers on the homeland? I understand that Dubya gave you his personally autographed 9/11 copy of “My Pet Goat” just after Christmas as a momento.
Don’t worry, you didn’t miss your “3 a.m. moment.” It’s just the Secret Service waking you up so you’d make your man-date out on the golf course. And a big “thumbs up” on your procrastinating surge in Afghanistan. Presently, the greatest success during your “war of necessity” is racking up the highest single yearly body count than in the previous seven.
Ron Reagan had a very utilitarian Cold War policy in dealing with your mentors from the former USSR that you could use in the global war on terror. Reagan said: “We win, they lose.” Add Malcom X’s, “by any means necessary” and you’d have a pretty good bipartisan formula for victory. So simple even a community organizer could do it!
Your Obamalicious $787 billion dollar tax-and-spend crap sandwich has demonstrated your naive grip on the economic iniquities of “how much bread you have is directly proportional to how little crap you may have to eat.” It appears that you’ve given Wall Street the keys to the bakery and Main Street a manure shovel.
During “Change: Year One” we had 4.1 million jobs lost according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, while there were 2.8 million home foreclosures. Nationwide small business bankruptcies are up 44 percent while California’s is a crushing 81 percent. Forget the taste of this fecal fajita, Mr. President, since it can’t even pass the smell test. Is it an inconvenient truth that the most successful program of your stimulus to date was “Cash for Clunkers” which went broke after two weeks?
You excoriated Bush for failure in Iraq and then further drooled on about foreign policy matters not commensurate within the pay grade of your minimum wage expertise. Let me get this straight, you and your chuckleheads for change prefer the Hussein family franchise of torture spas highlighting its candlelit rape rooms and sensuous sulfuric acid jacuzzis over Dubya’s liberation of 31 million Iraqis? Wow. It doesn’t take the world’s smartest pundit to know from which side of the waterboard you fell off.
Meanwhile you have racked up the frequent flyer miles to pick up a Snuggies-style Nobel prize; lose the Chicago Olympics bid; get frozen out of a global warming summit; and trash American exceptionalism overseas while checking the shoe polish on King Abdullah and Emperor Akihito’s loafers. Were you rubbernecking at your own reflection or undertaking to bootlick the scuff marks from their brogues with your pocket hankie? If so, it would’ve reasonably been the only honest blue-collar day job that you’ve ever held.
Reagan also gave great career advice: “Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.” Since you’ve already written two obsequiously indulgent autobiographies, I am anxiously waiting for your third self-absorbed tome, “The Mendacity of Hoax” right after President-elect Palin is sworn into office in 2013.
“Drill, baby, drill!”
Steve Breen is looking forward to three more years of George W. Obama and is still the “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.