Part I of a 3-part series

“I say we take off, and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

— Sigourney Weaver in “Aliens” (1986)

I love conspiracy theories!

After listening to a dim-witted fan of Al Sharpton’s radio show talk about Sarah Palin’s responsibility for the death of Michael Jackson while watching “Fahrenheit 9/11,” I realized interpolating conspiracy theories is akin to the perusal of pornography. It’s not very deep but it’s a lot of fun. Unfortunately, however, this month’s centerfold happens to be Obama’s baby picture.

The recriminations from the left over the illegitimacy of the Barackalicious One’s natal origins seems to overshadow his plummeting poll numbers which daily demonstrates his consummate incompetency to find his skinny political backside with either hand. Nothing is funnier to me than saying, “How’s the co-president of Kenya doing today?” and then watch a room full of Democrats writhe on the ground.

Atheist Bill Maher recently squealed in an L.A. Times op-ed, “Birthers must be stopped!” with a reverse-paraphrased quote from noted anthropologist and devout Anglican Christian Margaret Mead, “Never underestimate a tiny fringe group of losers trying to ruin everything.” MSNBC’s Chris Matthews considers birthers “lunatics.” This, of course, is pure comedy coming from a guy who had Paula Jones on his show blowing old cigar smoke about the gossipy peccadilloes of William Jefferson Clinton.

And any criticism of birthers by Jon “the-most-trusted-newsman-since-Cronkite” Stewart should be considered suspect after Stewart’s solemn public declaration that Harry Truman was a “war criminal” for nuking Japan. Meanwhile, this telegenic 24/7 caterwaul of main scream media Democrap discordance is then unctuously punctuated with knitted eyebrows, stern finger-waggings, pursed rectums and Mentos commercials featuring Blink 182.

These caballeros obviously have an absolute-zero tolerance sense of humor while two of them are allegedly comedians by profession. Please allow me, however, to have some fun at their expense and play “Dick Cheney’s evil twin.”

Is it an inconvenient truth that most of the “sources” cited consequent to the validity of birther’s claims are expectorated from allegedly liberal “experts” who depend upon ratings and corporate sponsorship to justify the fiduciary recompense of their pot-smoking habits and gender-challenged hair stylists?

I do have a teeny-weeny confession to make.

I take full responsibility, unlike our Equivocator-in-Chief, for being the first SMDP columnist to broach and poach the president’s depressively postpartum electoral duck egg in my Nov. 12, 2008 piece entitled “President-elect or President-eject?” In that piece, while providing my own deliciously distasteful invective, I detailed the litigious efforts from the godfather of the “Birffer” movement, Philip J. Berg, Clintonista Democrat and former Deputy Attorney General for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, against the election of Obama.

For the record, I am neither a Troofer nor a Birffer. Life is much simpler than that, folks, but then again, that’s what puts the “con” in “conspiracy,” n’est-ce-pas?

At the time I wrote the piece, the Democrats were euphorically having a victory smoke in a post-coital electoral haze after clinching both houses of Congress. Funny though, that despite this rare and distinct electoral majority, the Democrats still seem stylishly impotent to pass a healthcare bill of any real substance.

Following the 2008 election, however, I was under a deadline to my esteemed editor for my weekly piece when an “unnamed source” and fellow Republicannibal, sent me a little thread about “Berg v. Obama.” So I rolled with it, researched it, marinated it in margaritas, wrote about it and then forgot about it. Much to my amazement, I got more “hate mail” than any other article that I had published in the previous eight months! Meanwhile, no less than the esteemed personage of my fellow SMDP colleague Bennet Kelley rabidly frothed from his “Soap Box” and devoted an entire paranoid column about my frolicsome faux pas! Bennet Kelley had now branded this humble U.S. Navy vet and gruesomely handsome mailman as no less an enemy of the state than Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

I wept in joy and then promptly went out to drown a polar bear. I had never been so happy in all my unmedicated life!

Next week, folks: The troofer players in the birffer d’affaire de la merde playing by the ObamAlinsky rule book with Hollywood/Washington celebrity referees.

Steve Breen has purchased conservative controlling interests in tin-foil hat factories in Area 51 and is still the “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com