A 2006 survey by the National Coalition for the Homeless listed the “20 meanest cities” vis-a-vis the plight of the homeless, I was amused to learn that three staunchly liberal California cities made the list. Über-liberal San Francisco, stewarded by Democrat stalwart Nancy Pelosi, pegged the 11th spot. Los Angeles made 18th. The jolly roger gut-buster for me, however, was that piously progressive PETA/Pilates/Prius beneficent Santa Monica tagged into the top 10 of Meanest Municipalities in the U.S. at number nine!
In urban-chic lexicon, “Who da thunk it?”
But don’t be discouraged folks by your lofty and oftentimes rhetorical circular logic that doesn’t always square with your closeted oafishness towards less fortunate individuals, as a hopey-changey light-worker intervention is just an alien-belligerent channeled experience away. In the words of the president’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste. It’s an opportunity!”
Recently, the president signed the executive order to close Gitmo by 2010 but without a clear resolve of where to relocate those poor, abused terrorists currently squatting in air-conditioned comfort in sunny Cuba. Terrorists have now become the “New Homeless.”
Nancy Pelosi nixed a suggested refurbishment of Alcatraz in order to relocate them to her district. You’d figure that the Bush-bashing residents of the Bay Area would make the terrorists feel like home, but then this would impede Mme. Pelosi’s national stature as a well-heeled homeless hater. After all, image over substance supplants everything in the current milieu of liberal fascism.
This missed opportunity, however, shouldn’t be ignored by Santa Monica. In the trash heap of history, Santa Monica was once known in the 1980s and ‘90s as “the city of the homeless” and what a truly successful experiment in social engineering has there ever been, wouldn’t you agree? Since many of these homeless terrorists allegedly can’t go back to their host countries for fear of reprisals or better paying jobs blowing up our embassy in Yemen, Santa Monica needs to step up and represent in this “new era of responsibility.”
So I consulted a local anti-terror expert for a solution.
My co-worker and anti-terror expert Harout Kaladian works in the cubicle next to mine at the Post Office here in Santa Monica. He and his family had to hastily exit Lebanon as refugees in 1980 in the middle of the Lebanon Civil War on the heels of the explosive excesses of Islamic jihadis. I consider him more of an expert on terror and human rights than any poodle-brained Amnesty International street walker shilling for sympathy outside of the local Peete’s Coffee. Together, however, Harout and I have come up with a solution. We call it the “Gitmo to SaMo Relocation Initiative.”
The first step is to change the mall construction of Santa Monica Place to an all-green LEEDS compliant penal structure called the “Santa Monica Islamic Life Exchange” facility or S.M.I.L.E. Instead of a Neiman-Marcus/Nordstroms shopping hell, it will be a work-release compound featuring loud speakers calling the Muslim faithful to prayer five times a day and valet car-bomb parking. New issues of the Quran to the “New Homeless” will also be accompanied by autographed copies of “Dreams of My Father,” “The Audacity of Hope” and a new secure-comm Blackberry just like President Obama’s.
Other facets that Harout and I discussed was our proprietary C.E.L.L. program or “Cultural Exchange and Live-in Lottery.” All residential addresses that supported the 2008 Democratic ticket will be placed in a lottery pool.
Once a month, 248 addresses would be pulled and if you are the lucky winner you would host in your home for that month a “Gitmo guest” of your choice. Just think, 9/11 architect Khalid Sheikh Mohammed doing lap swims in the pool and smoking cigars with the habitués at the Shores. Maybe he could call the rest of his family to fly in for a short visit.
Isn’t this truly a humane “opportunity” for a cultural “meeting without pre-conditions?”
Or since Caribbean island living for terrorists is deemed so untenable according to the faux-Americans of the ACLU and their Gollums, there is an option, however, that an island on American soil is currently available in Adak, Alaska located at the end of the Aleutian Island chain. We wouldn’t even need to put up fence as the polar bears would solve any possible jailbreak. Or the terrorists could just go moose hunting with Gov. Sarah Palin although I’ve heard that she takes hunting tips from Dick Cheney and has had driving lessons from Ted Kennedy.
Just think of the opportunity!
Steve Breen has some great Arabic language CDs he’s willing to loan and is still the “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office” He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org