This is part one of a two part series.

Warning: This article may contain scene spoilers.

I avidly awaited the latest cinematic offerings of the new “Star Trek” and “Terminator” mythologies. These two films were such a wonderful display of solid conservative values that I was surprised that the progressive plutocrats of planet Hollywood allowed them off the launch pad.

While my naysayers may consider my argument to be the wanton ravings of a man whose brain has been eaten away by Denebian slime devils, please allow me to have a little fun at your discomfiture.

First of all, the new “Star Trek” (aka Star Fleet Academy 90210 ) has kept all of the best elements of the original 1966 series. You know, hot chicks wearing mini-skirts and go-go boots while killing aliens in outer space. Sounds a lot like Sarah Palin killing polar bears in Alaska, doesn’t it? Sorry, though, but I just can’t assimilate uber-liberal Oprah Winfrey in Seven of Nine’s spandex jumpsuit nor do I believe that she and Rosie O’donnell could fit in the Enterprise’s shuttle craft hangar bay without beefing up the rear suspension first.

What has been fascinating for me over the relative space/time continuum has been the multiple reincarnations of the technocratic utopia found in Star Trek’s United Federation of Planets. Despite the warm and fuzzy “we-are-all-peaceful-citizens-of-the-universe” motif that has dominated the genre since the mid 1960s, it has always been a source of amusement to me that the crew of the Enterprise invariably engages in atomizing one annoying alien species after another with photon torpedos. This plot device is necessary as it is more exciting blowing up alien bad guys for two hours than it is investigating the paleontological importance of fossilized Cardassian buffalo poop.

Is it an inconvenient truth that the governmental model of the future that creator Gene Roddenberry created as signature backdrop for the future New World Order was the United States Navy?

Nothing ironically speaks to the consensual 23rd century technocratic socialism of illusory hopey-changeyness like the no-nonsense U.S. Navy management model with its top-down primate driven, “Red Alert! All-hands-man-your-battle-stations” attitude. After all, the U.S. military is just so reflectively analogous to the hyper-spaced out hippies of the alternate parallel universe found amongst the xeno-populii inhabiting the Venice Beach extraterrestrial drum circle, wouldn’t you agree? Most of these off-worldly aliens couldn’t take an order at a McDonalds let alone take an order from a superior officer on board a starship.

These mind-melded Jovians simply reason, “Like, dude! Who needs dilithium crystals to go to warp drive when you can just cruise on impulse power with this bong load of Romulan 420?” It is reputed, however, that this Romulan stuff will really take you where no one has ever really gone before!

Rather than set a conservative phaser on “stun,” they’d much prefer to set their liberal gray matter on “stoned.”

And of course, conservatives instead of liberals would necessarily be the reasonable evolutionary high-end achievers to launch the Enterprise on its continuing pro-life mission to spread humanity throughout space. After all, when has any hopium smoking, social welfare tribble ever launched anything other than lachrymose lamentations concerning the size of their next unearned check while still parked in a Section-8 housing space dock?

It’s hard to live long and prosper when Obama’s going to disrupt our healthcare and all the General Motors jobs on Earth are going off-planet to ObamaMotors in China. Beam me up, Scotty. There appears to be no intelligent life in this administration!

“Star Trek” represents the halcyon conservative values of initiative, intelligence and tenacity without special interest treatment based on intra-species political prostitution. Talent should always trump liberal-minded racialism on any month of Saturnian Sundays. (Mr. Spock says that a “Sunday” on Saturn is 12.381275 Earth days long, by the way. Do the math for leap year, folks. Pretty grim numbers, eh?).

During the movie, Cadet Uhura was field promoted to lead communications officer over a less proficient senior lieutenant which was a foremost example of conservative titular talent advancement over Ferengi-cratic based identity politics.

Her promotion came not because of the color of her skin or that she possessed an anatomically convenient “innie” instead of an “outie” but that she was the individual most uniquely qualified to perform the task at hand. Looking totally hot in a mini-dress was merely a bonus! Please note that this conservative-acclaimed evolution was accomplished without some whining Klingon from the NAACP or NOW reasonably within a parsec.

Next week we’ll have a look at the near future of 2018’s “Terminator Salvation” when John Connor, leader of the pro-life conservative Resistance, fights the soulless San Francisco/Silicon Valley based iMachines of Nancy “Skynet” Pelosi.

“Aah’ll be baahck”

Steve Breen will beam back down in a couple weeks from a parallel honeymoon universe and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.