From America’s Mayor to Trump’s Chump
Following a parade of semi-incoherent appearances on TV “defending” Donald Trump has caused many to ask “What the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani?” Half the time Rudy makes Trump look guiltier than ever, which isn’t easy. My view, however, is that Rudy was always weird!
By weird I’m not referring to his having had three wives. (Like Trump.) Or that wife #1 was his second cousin; or that Rudy announced the breakup from wife #2 on TV only it was the first she’d heard about it. (Reportedly, she threw Rudy out of Gracie Mansion leaving him to sleep on the floor in a nearby apartment owned by male friends.)
And I’m also not referring to how often Rudy dresses in drag and does it so well. (Too well?) But first a quick look at another disturbingly angry New Yorker.
Last week, Manhattan lawyer Aaron M. Schlossberg went on a vitriolic, fifty-five-second racist rant that went viral. Millions of “views” later, it’s causing Schlossberg the hell he so richly deserves.
Schlossberg, an avid Trump supporter (gave $500 to the campaign), had left his law office and went next door to Kitchen Fresh for lunch. He became outraged when two female employees were speaking Spanish to a customer. That alone somehow drove Schlossberg into a to demean the three women. (What a brave man … not!)
Still incensed, Schlossberg complained bitterly to the manager, “In my country, we speak English!” He threatened to call I.C.E. to deport the women before he was politely asked to leave. Turns out Aaron has been captured on video attacking immigrants at least two other times. (The man clearly needs help.)
After seeing Schlossberg’s wretched rant on the Internet, his landlord permanently barred him from his office. Meanwhile, Schlossberg’s condo one morning, he was serenaded by a Mariachi band and a large gathering of New Yorkers not fond of bigots. As a result, Aaron is on the run. Literally.
To avoid reporters, there’s video of Aaron, clutching his briefcase, sprinting down the sidewalk like a scared rabbit and one of him slinking into court. Some are saying Schlossberg’s legal career may be over but some Trumpsters are predicting a job at Fox News.
What normal person goes bonkers over people speaking a foreign language in New York City? If he wants “English only” he might move to the south, but with a name like Schlossberg they may not be fond of him.
Breaking news! (Up music.) Aaron, just released a statement saying that, after watching the video, he’s sorry, adding “That’s not the real me.” (Then who was it? And who was it the other two times?)
Coincidentally, not long ago, Trump said he didn’t think the Access Hollywood “pu**y grabbing” video was even his voice. (Wouldn’t it be fun if, 24/7, Trump were hooked up to a lie detector?)
Back to Rudy, he became the beloved “America’s Mayor” because he heroically reassured us all would be okay in the days following 911. That was George Bush’s job but POTUS 43 was mysteriously M.I.A. Who can forget when Andy Card whispered in Bush’s ear, “The country is under attack.” Inexplicably, Bush sat frozen for seven minutes lamely holding the children’s book “My Pet Goat.”
I almost could hear Bush silently screaming, “Daddy, help!” Seven minutes in the nuclear age can be an eternity. Literally. Bush said he sat still he “Didn’t want to scare the kids.” (I’ve always thought the seven minutes was to give his pants time to dry.)
As a result of the good will he earned from 9/11, Rudy earned over $100 million as a security adviser to major corporations. What security? After the 1993 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, al-Quada vowed to return. How did Rudy prepare? Don’t ask the majority of 9/11 first responders who think Rudy was more criminal than hero.
Rudy failed to upgrade radio communication and, against advice, placed the city’s Command Center in the WTC. Many attribute Rudy’s abysmal 2008 presidential campaign to his 9/11 blunders. How abysmal? He started as the front runner and, $50 million later, he didn’t win a single delegate!
Now Rudy is as confused and rambling as his boss. Take his response to George Stephanopolous’s simple question, “Did the President know about Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels?”
Rudy responded, “ At some point yes, but it could have been recently. It could have been a while back. Those are the facts we are still working on. This is more rumor than anything else.”
Stephanopolous countered, “But you stated it as fact!” Rudy said sheepishly, “Well, maybe I did, but right now I’m at the point where I’m learning. I can prove it’s rumor but I can’t prove it’s fact.” And I can prove Rudy seems to make more sense when he’s in drag rather than being a drag.
Google “Schlossberg’s racist rant,” and “Jimmy Kimmel Rudy confused.” Jack is at firstname.lastname@example.org. Author’s note: On Saturday, 5/24, Shores residents will celebrate birthday #82 for beloved building dog walker, Frits. May Frits walk forever.