Not everyone believes in global warming. They feel that those of us who do believe in it are nutty left-wingers or victims of conspiratorial pseudo-science. Im always for fairness and giving equal time to all viewpoints. So I present below the words of Harold K. Jefferson, president of the Its Not The Heat, Its The Hype Association.
Hot enough for you? Americans have used that jovial and ironic greeting for decades. Yet, for the last several years, left-wing nuts have been crying global warming every time the Earth sets a few preposterous heat records or a couple of dozen glaciers melt. Keep in mind that those who believe in global warming are the same morons who believe in evolution and gravity.
They tell me that the warmest 12-month periods in the original 48 states since 1895 have all been in the last 17 years. The warmest in 117 years was from July of 2011 to June of this year. The bleeding hearts say this is a bad thing. I see it as an opportunity. The hotter it is, the more swimming pools and air-conditioners are needed. The more that are needed, the more workers are required to build and install them. Thats right. Global warming is a job creator.
Some lefty pointed out to me that it was hotter in Omaha, Neb. last week than it was in Tehran. Omaha, Neb. is a wonderful city in a great state. Those who hate America may want to compare it to the capital of Iran, but I think its a heck of a lot better place to raise kids.
We are willing to concede that the Arctic is warming up at twice the rate of the rest of the Earth, but shouldnt we be celebrating this? After all, the place needs to warm up more than anywhere else. Its freezing there.
Sadly, temperatures this summer have created an awful drought in Americas farmland. The farm is the backbone of America, and some of our greatest Americans were farmers before they got regular jobs. Weve figured out something that should please everybody. You know all that ice that is melting and turning into water up in the Arctic? If we just leave Mother Nature alone, that water will keep heading down until it gets where its needed the most to those bone dry farms. Thats what I call trickle-down in action.
Usually at this point of the argument somebody brings up the topic of polar bears. Those of us on the right side of the issue think polar bears are cute, too. However, they just might have to adapt to changing times. In fact, I think they are doing this already. Heres an example. The Libs say that a female polar bear recently swam nonstop for nine days before finally reaching an ice floe to rest. They see this as a tragedy. I see this as probably the greatest example of polar bear endurance swimming in history. Get out your Guinness Book.
Some say that we are out of touch with poor people. Of course they also say that the lack of regulations and the crimes of a few bad apples in finance are responsible for more of our economic problems than greedy teachers and firefighters. Anyway, if poor and elderly people in big cities dont want to get sick or die from the extreme heat, they should use their heads. Get out of the city. All they have to do is hitch their boats to their cars and head to their beach houses.
Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from Sesame Street to Family Ties to Home Improvement to Frasier. He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.