Hollywood baby-makers ready to hit small screen
“Please stop discussing my ovaries!” country singer LeAnn Rimes said recently regarding speculation by two people on Twitter that she might be pregnant.
She’s hardly the first celebrity whose lady bits have been a source of discussion in reference to whether they’re with child (although in most cases, more people usually seem to care) or have recently deposited a child. Which is why television executives are scrambling to produce reality-television pilots this spring to seize on the Hollywood baby-making trend.
New shows under consideration for full-season pick-ups include:
• Destiny’s Child
Pop superstar Beyoncé gave birth over the weekend to daughter Blue Ivy by husband and rap impresario Jay-Z. While the pregnancy was a source of endless excitement (Beyoncé announced she was expecting on stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards!) and gossip (they built a 2,200-square-foot baby nursery!), and the couple is rumored to have spent more than a million dollars just to secure a private floor in New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital while Beyoncé gave birth, not much is known about how baby Blue will be raised.
Watch as the “Hard Knock Life” rapper struggles to figure out which end is up on a diaper before the projectile poop hits the ceiling fan and the “Bootylicious” diva attempts to pick a breast pump out of a lineup and actually figure out how to turn it on.
Just kidding!
Cameras will film Beyoncé and Jay-Z as they work out their 99 problems (and a breast-pump switch ain’t one), including, but not limited to: getting their people to ensure permits are approved to shut down Central Park to the general public so Blue can go on a slide and seesaw in total seclusion; obtaining signed confidentiality agreements from anyone who so much as glances in the same direction as their baby; and hiring a highly trained staff of thousands to ensure that Blue’s every need is attended to in a style befitting the offspring of a couple who would spend $1.3 million just to have some extra space for a couple of days in a hospital. (They must have known that some people give birth at home, right? And for that money their ob/gyn would likely have made a house call daily for a year or two?)
• Nanny McG
Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow (and Beyoncé BFF!) isn’t known for being a regular mom. She and her husband, Grammy-winning Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, famously placed an ad seeking a multilingual all-around genius to tutor their kids while the family travels the world on yachts and private jets. And via her Goop lifestyle website (for the 0.0000000000000001 percent of the people who can afford the time and money to live life as she does, and for the even smaller percentage who can stomach her condescension and pretension), Gwyneth has made it clear that even the best isn’t good enough for her brood.
But what happens when the nannies, tutors, chefs, assistants, personal trainers, baby nurses and chauffeurs go home for the night? Or, heaven forbid, an entire weekend! Hilarity will ensue as Gwynnie has to care for her kids — all by herself! Be a fly on the wall as she struggles to remember her kids’ names (Golden Delicious? Macintosh? Noah? Esau?) — and even just remember that she has kids. Instead of her laughing at you (although, of course, she’ll still be doing plenty of that), laugh at her as she actually attempts to make — and eat! — one of her own horrid recipes (dinosaur meat made with seitan, anyone?) and pick her kids up from wherever it is they go when she’s off working out with her personal trainer for nine hours each day.
• I’m a Celebrity, Get this Kid Out of Me
It’s bad enough that really famous and pretty people have to mar their bodies by carrying around babies for nine whole months. (Isn’t that what surrogates are for?) But that they then have to do things like go to hospitals where regular, not as pretty people have their babies? What if they, like, have to talk to the not-as-pretty people? What happens to the pretty people’s babies when the regular people look at them? Is there a chance they could turn out not as pretty, too?
The cameras will be on as celebrities make special arrangements to deliver their babies at their convenience (and at a Four Seasons resort). Makeup, hair and special effects teams will be in the delivery room to ensure the celebrity moms deliver in style, and that the babies who come out will look like they do in the movies instead of covered in all that goop (not to be confused with Gwyneth’s Goop, which is, of course, extra special goop).
• LeAnn Rimes Real-Time Bump Watch
While LeAnn Rimes seems to spend all of her time either on Twitter or in a bikini (sometimes she Tweets in a bikini), no one seems to care. The C-list singer and her husband, unemployed TV actor Eddie Cibrian, were both married to other people when they met on the set of a Lifetime movie (about which a Lifetime movie was reportedly in development, until the network realized no one actually cares), and now they seem determined to really, really make people care. At least that’s the only explanation anyone has as to why they frolic full-time, semi-nude, and with cocktails in hand on beaches with invited paparazzi in Hawaii, California and Mexico.
Tune in as LeAnn’s concave stomach is filmed in real time. While it’ll mostly be her breathing in and out, sometimes you’ll see her belly fill up with an aforementioned cocktail as she frolics on one of the aforementioned beaches. But at some point in the future — maybe — her innards will house a fetus. And then presumably her belly will get bigger. No one really cares if she gets pregnant, but everyone is dying to watch her gain weight, just as she’s been dying for everyone to watch her get skinnier and skinnier.
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