I have been watching with great mirth and morbid fascination the growing debate concerning the recent ACLU suit on behalf of the odoriferous “accidental tourists” known as the “homeless” against the erstwhile evil empire of the Peoples’ Republic of Soviet Monica. Is it an inconvenient truth that the ACLU also supports the alleged rights of the other “accidental tourists” known as “terrorists” that are currently residing in U.S. custody at Gitmo? 

It makes you want to go out and just shoot unicorns, doesn’t it?

Folks, who’s more important in this socio-econometric equation, the people who work and pay the taxes in this burg while desiring to live in a vagrant-neutral environment or a segment of ingrates in the population that has either a sub-zero interest in being rescued or are too stupid or stoned to take their brains out of “park” and jump into the rat race with the rest of us? And why do we require constant exhortation by the back seat whiners from here deep in the womb of granola-land to pick up every grubby hitchhiker along the way? 

Did anybody ever bother to inquire “where are the families” of these ACLU pimped, pumped and primed freeloaders? Are all of these slackers somehow orphans? Are there no mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles or cousins that will claim these people as “family?” Maybe the ACLU should sue the families for letting their more mendicant familiars out of the cellar rather than raping Santa Monica’s city coffers through cranial-rectal inverted lawsuits. And please spare me the waltz down “Guilt-Trip Avenue.” I’m completely disinterested in helping someone whose own families have found them a royal pain in the ass. If nothing remains of those relationships but smoldering bridges, one should look first for the arsonist. 

I mean, if I wanted feeling, I’d have ovaries.

Isn’t it succinctly hypocritical on the part of local liberal loser-lovers to purchase emotional serenity for their convenience store-styled, social welfare ethics with other, less inclined, taxpayers’ money? I found it the height of comedy recounted in a recent SMDP “letter to the editor” that a resident who lived in a “socio-economically, racially mixed neighborhood” (formerly termed as a “ghetto”) sternly intoned that, “… as human beings, we need to care for our fellow human beings.” This individual then admitted that there were “homeless people searching through [his] trash cans in [his] alley every day.”

OK, spare me the sanctimonious bonhomie, Mr. Mother Teresa, but did it ever occur to you to actually bring in one of your “fellow human beings” into your kitchen and make him a couple of sandwiches with a glass of milk rather than to allow your objet de l’heure to troll for your moldering tidbits from Trade Joe’s while you smugly hide behind your mealy-mouthed morality? 

Walk your talk otherwise you have a bright future as a White House speechwriter. 

Folks, I’ve walked the streets in this town as a mailman for 14 years (as well as being a resident) and I can identify at least two dozen “professional” bums in this town that, despite their alleged destitution, consider their homelessness a tax-free, long-term occupation and not a pathology of their crappy luck. 

If Santa Monica’s history is any indication of its alleged “success” in eradicating the obnoxious moocher-ocracy that has plagued this town for the past 25 years, then it should be supremely obvious that the City Council has been using a patrimonial parachute that opens only on impact. There’s a popular phrase, “if you build it, they will come.” Santa Monica has built and maintained, in its misguided generosity, a derelict-friendly environment. The tramps came to the party and the gratitude shown in return was a snotty lawsuit courtesy of the American Civil Lickspittle Union. 

Consider the remedy that “if you remove it, they will leave.” 

Shut down every last extracurricular service that provides comfort and succor to the beggaring class just short of emergency medical service and a bus ticket to Nancy Pelosi’s front door. Take the federal, state and local money from the former homeless-focused programs and give half to the Special Olympics (it’s the best thing ever invented by a Democrat next to landing on the moon) and then take the remaining half and invest it in an introductory K-12 school program on “How to not be a Hobo!” 

Lesson #1 — “Practice gratitude.”

Lesson #2 — “Soap”

Lesson #3 — “Job”

In my perfect world, the only reasonable recipients of any form of social welfare should be our most valuable and vulnerable citizens: the elderly for their wisdom, children for their beauty and combat veterans who make the world safe for us all.  

The rest of you better cowboy up and figure it out. As my Dad used to say, “Life’s tough. Wear a helmet, Cupcake.”

Steve Breen will work for food and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.