By a stroke of luck, I have the delicious honor of writing the column that precedes Thanksgiving. So please allow me to introduce the first annual Golden Gobbler Award for 2009. This accolade is bountifully bestowed, by me, to any person, place, thing, organization or focus group that has, by its merit, demonstrated a complete and utterly inarguable talent for being as smart as the dumbest animal on the chopping block, the classic Thanksgiving turkey.
If “you are what you eat,” as it is said, are you a vegetable, a fruit, a nut, a flake or a stuffed turkey? Put all those together and it sounds like the population base of Hollywood on Oscar night or Perez Hilton all the time.
After careful consideration of the many entrants worthy of my indelicate disdain, I award this year’s 2009 Golden Gobbler Award to the environmental movement in all its diarrhetic manifestations and its head profiteering prophet and peripatetic penguin, Albert Gore Jr.!
As the world’s largest living Golden Gobbler waddling in at 10,000 tons of greenhouse gas, Al Gore has conned the pubic into believing he is a science authority. Is it an inconvenient truth that while attending Harvard he scored a mere D in Natural Science 6 (Man’s Place in Nature) and a C-minus in Natural Science 118 (How Doorknobs Work)?
While at St. Alban’s, the future “Father Earth” scored a meager 488 out of 800 in physics and a 519 out of 800 in chemistry. Is it unreasonable to presume that a minimal competence in physics and chemistry would be incumbent in order to understand, at the very least, the laws of thermodynamics and meteorology?
If Al was any denser, he’d be a brick fence.
Let me get this straight, all of you eco-cultists from the High Church of Planetary Intemperance are trusting the mythology of your beliefs to a guy who says publicly that the molten core of the Earth is “several million degrees?” Folks, if that were an inconvenient truth then the Earth would be a star. And after the recent leaks of e-mails and documents from the UK Climatic Research Unit there is enough dispute that the global warming strumpets have been fluffing the data on this allegedly “settled science” since the 1990s. So take your hockey stick graph and recycle it through your tree ring data, Mr. and Ms. Enviro-dork.
Here’s other great “scientific research” that is paid for with public money for the bovine scatology known as global warming:
It has been determined, through the “science” of global warming theory, that the carbon footprint of the 50 million turkeys cooked, pies baked and air miles traveled on Thanksgiving will produce over 370,000 tons of greenhouse gas. So while you’re roasting Big Bird in your Fratelli Chiantishire oven, you have also allegedly cooked the goose of several endangered polar bears as well.
No cause for alarm though as two global warming experts who specialize in sustainable living, Brenda and Robert Vale of Victoria University, have come up with a novel solution to lessen the impact of your wanton Thanksgiving Day gluttony. They have determined that the eco-pawprint of the average “pet dog is twice that of a 4.6 litre Land Cruiser driven 10,000 km/year” by assessing the carbon emissions from the amount of land and resources required to create the food needed to feed little Sparky.
Their anarcho-primitive new book, “Time to Eat the Dog: The Real Guide to Sustainable Living” suggests that the family pooch has to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the planet. How this is going to square up with PETA is anyone’s guess. After all, these are two green-thinking sustainable-living researchers talking about turning your Chinese shar-pei into a wonton snack tray. But PETA already has a history of needlessly euthanizing animals, so what the heck, there’s an entire market share to be realized in the “alternative meat” industry.
Think “McDoggie’s,” “Jack Russell-in-the-Box” or try the new “Chihuahua Chalupa” at Taco Bell.
This ground breaking work in eco-political correctness will, in all likelihood, be a best seller here in Santa Monica. Probably as big as “Going Rogue.” Folks, if you’re jammed for time to get that 20-pound gobbler to the table before Aunt Martha comes over, park an apple in Sparky’s mouth, pop him in the oven and, voila, you’ll have a Thanksgiving Day novelty meal that the family will rave about for years to come!
But if you really want to understand the eco-politically correct fatwas of the fashionable idiots of cranio-rectal environmentalism then sit back from those tender, meaty niblets smothered in giblet gravy and ponder, that if the golden retriever before you is the cap-and-trade entree, will you be the carbon-offset dessert?
Steve Breen will be going out for sushi on Thanksgiving Day and is still “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at email@example.com.