Forget the distractions

Editor’s Note: This is the final installment of a three-part series

Congress recently announced that the office of the president of the United States will be outsourced to India as of Sept. 11, 2009 in order to save on salary overhead as well as the record $1.3 trillion in deficit expenditures that the Obama administration has incurred since his inauguration. Pradeep Haji Singh, a 15 year-old computer tech-support employee from Pizza Hut, will run the affairs of the U.S. government from his cubicle in Mumbai following the departure of Barry Dunham Obama. Obama has accepted employment at a local Wal-Mart as a greeter due to his consummate skill in shaking hands, snappy wardrobe and nice teeth.

In other news, the Aug. 13 edition of the tabloid magazine, The Globe, screamed, “OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE’S A FAKE!” Of course it’s fake. It’s written in Swahili, folks. You know, one can never trust anything that’s written in those cheesy tabloids these days. Just ask former presidential candidate John Edwards. Enquiring minds just wanted to know, “Hey, Baby Daddy! Got DNA?” Meanwhile, everybody on both sides of the Trilateral Commission seem to have their bra straps in a knit over the alleged natal legitimacy of Barry the O.

Is it just me or is this sideshow any more valid than the vagina monologues of liberal clairvoyant gynecologists who contend that Trig Palin is not Sarah Palin’s son?

The smoldering l’affaire de merde of Obama’s birth has recently been given too much oxygen and has re-ignited into an ooey-gooey stench of napalm drenched political theater. It’s a putrefacient distraction from the other, more important, meat-headed meanderings from Democrats like the Kabuki-inspired clown carnival known as ObamaCare. But first of all, let’s look at the source of what has “birthers” scrambling through hospital dumpsters in third world countries looking for documentary wolfsbane to stop the socialist predation of the Lycanthrope-in-Chief.

Is it an inconvenient truth that most of the howling from the “birther” proxies can be sourced back to Clintonista operative and consigliere of 9/11 truthiness, Philip J. Berg? Is it any wonder that liberals, as a class of asses, are usually responsible for the greater generation of conspiracy theory-styled bovine scatology than their red state rivals?

And have you ever wondered, why do people come up with this stupid crap? Is it out of malice, stupidity, incompetence or an inadequacy of sex in their diet?

According to a recent Rasmussen poll, 28 percent of conservatives out there are currently wallowing around in the steaming “birther” cow pie. However, their numbers are still well below the paranoid stupidity of their 9/11 truther-cousins from the Planet Moonbat. Is it an inconvenient truth that 35 percent of Democrats still believe Bush knew of the attacks in advance while 25 percent “weren’t sure?”

Weren’t sure? Ask 9/11 truther and author Whitley Strieber. He’s positive that 9/11 was completely orchestrated by the government. Mr. Strieber, by his own admission and if my memory serves, was also abducted by aliens in the 1980s.

If that’s the case, then Democrats shouldn’t feel so noxiously self-righteous about conservatives’ questions concerning Obama’s birth-iness that was originally sourced from those same 9/11 truther-Democrats in the first place! For the record, however, several well-respected conservative publications (the National Review and the American Spectator among them) have published definitive pieces evincing that Barack Hussein Obama is just as American as Bruce Springsteen.

OK, some conservatives bought into a liberal-generated con job. So sue us. Can we now get back to what’s really important to the American people and talk about the 5,000-plus pages of health care reform that the president hasn’t read yet? Or did Dr. Barry just read the tea leaves and then pragmatically caved into agreeing to “health care co-ops” to shore up his cratering poll numbers? Wow! He might not be as dumb as his teleprompter suggests, after all.

Folks, rather than be so cynical that Obama is engaged in sooper-dooper evil secret socialist coalitions of individuals about how best to screw over America, wouldn’t it be more plausible to be skeptical about the douche bags that actually spew such conspiratorial absurdities? After all, Cheney had secret meetings with Big Oil while Obama has secret meetings with Big PhArma. I’m sure they both did it for the good of the country.

Isn’t it more salient, though, to indenture oneself to the long-term analysis of the behavior of our commonly held public institutions (like the jerks in Congress) rather than disembowel your synapses with conjured kitchen-table claptrap that cannibal space aliens from the Masonic Illuminati Mouseketeer cabal are beaming down messages into your cerebral cortex to force you to buy cheap Ikea furniture?

Life is much simpler than that.

Steve Breen thinks that his conservative fantasies are better than your liberal nightmares and is still the “best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.