I am an enemy of the state. My dad and my son also qualify for the club. I consort and communicate frequently with many other enemies of the state as well. They all read my column, too. Our plan for the “right-wing extremist” revolution is transmitted through a secret code contained in my column. I purloined the technique from Jack Bauer off an old episode of “24.”

In a recent comedy sketch briefing from the Department of Homeland Security, an alleged threat to our republic by U.S. veterans has to do with our prior or current military service upon its behalf? According to the “logic” of the DHS, veterans who defended the republic are now a consummate threat to it? DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano’s extreme TV makeover tour to apologize to veterans and veterans groups (all 42 million of us) for her grotesque act of utter calumny only makes the Obama administration’s insult moreover brilliant in its sunlit stupidity while it still remains official government policy.

This woman is obviously Obama’s bowling partner.

Napolitano needs to get out of her office and bust up some of the cellulite lodged around her bureaucratic hindquarters by jogging over to Walter Reed Hospital, maybe visit the amputee or physical rehab ward for returning war vets and then explain to them that they are now considered worthy of scrutiny in matters of state security despite being confined to a wheelchair while blind. A Timothy McVeigh joke always scores points, too.

Let me get this straight, veterans are labeled “right-wing extremists” while the heinous acts of radical jihadi Khalid Sheik Mohammed are now morally sanitized as “man-caused disasters?” Napolitano is also demonstrating her obvious gender bullying and feminist hatred of men by the mere use of the term “man-caused disaster.” How about “human-caused disaster ” as terrorism isn’t limited by gender.

Did the names Bernadette Dohrn, Kathy Boudin and Judith Alice Clark from the Weather Underground or Emily Harris, Angela Atwood, Sara Jane Olsen, Camilla Hall and Nancy Ling-Perry of the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA) ever rattle around within the dim confines of Napolitano’s dwindling interior head space?

These feminine flavored “man-caused disasters” of Napolitano’s peer group can claim discriminate bombings of federal/state/local buildings, political assassinations with cyanide-laced ammo, attempted murder and a host of other lesser felonies on their resumes. And I sincerely doubt that the survivors of either group voted Republican in the last election.

Is it an inconvenient truth that the only domestic terrorist on the FBIs “Most Wanted” list is the bomber-fugitive, vegan animal rights activist, Daniel Andreas? Does anybody notice that the terms “right-wing extremist” and “vegan animal rights activist” aren’t in any way analogous?

“Single issue” conservatives are now considered enemies of the state. Any American that has legitimate concerns over illegal immigration or abortion are now suspect Americans. And don’t even get me started on the Tea Parties! Thusly, while I would now be considered an exponential enemy of the state, allow me to explain before the I’m trotted off to a hopey-changey re-education camp.

Abortion: I am against abortion in principle yet I understand that it makes good sense in practice.

My reason? Since liberals who condone killing unborn babies generally lack the moral courage to take personal responsibility for their inability to navigate the watermelon-flavored contents found in a condom wrapper, Obama supporters therefore possess a higher propensity of utilizing the abortion mills of Planned Parenthood. This, therefore, keeps their potential progeny out of the voting pool for the election of any future pro-abortion presidents.

Liberals may make fun of Trig Pain’s name but at least his parents didn’t name him “medical waste.” When Trig Palin grows up, I hope he bowls a 130. Then he can be elected president.

Illegal immigration: Napolitano has incoherently stated that illegal immigration across our borders “… [is] not a crime, per se …” despite that under 8 U.S.C. 1325, crossing the U.S. border without inspection is, in fact, a crime and is, in fact, a felony, but then again Napolitano could never let the facts get in the way of Obamanian orthodoxy.

Folks, why do you think gun and ammo sales are up 27 percent since the Obamessiah’s ascension? Could it be that the Obama administration is clearly incapable of distinguishing the difference between the “white hats” and the “black hats?” For conservatives, it’s not about a DHS-fantasized “right-wing extremist” revolution. If that were the case, then we “right-wing extremists” would have done it back in 1984!

Veterans do and have done the dirty work against enemies, foreign and domestic, so most of you don’t have to.

Steve Breen is sending this communiqué from the super duper secret Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Inc. command bunker from way, way faraway and is still “the best looking mailman in the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.

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