Almost everybody loves gossip. That’s why it must be hard for those people who usually buy celebrity gossip magazines and newspapers to stop buying them. But that’s exactly what’s going on. In these difficult economic times, people are not buying these publications like they used to.
Sales are down as people obviously have determined that this is an area where they can cut back. You know the kind of publications I’m talking about.
You can find them at Longs and CVS and Ralphs right next to the other “impulse” items like gum, condoms, and Pez. Using sensational headlines, they tell the world about alien abductions, hairstyles that are scientifically proven to attract the opposite sex, and who the 20 fattest stars are. In other words, these are publications that have obviously given some people a much fuller life.
I worry about these former readers having to go on without reading the latest gossip about which teenage star escaped from rehab to be with her boyfriend who is actually the reincarnation of Paul Revere’s horse. So, as a public service, I decided to publish here the kind of stories that their favorite publications will probably be publishing for the rest of this year.
Madonna poses nude
Singer, entertainer, exhibitionist Madonna posed nude for a new book of photography to show how good a woman can look at her age.
Octuplets mom says, ‘no’
Nadya Suleman said today that she just wants to be left alone with her children. The last thing she wants is publicity. This announcement was made by her new publicist.
Blindingly bright object in sky
A fiery round ball has mysteriously appeared in the sky above a California town. Randall Brett Jones, of Johnson City, says, “The whole town is baffled by this thing. It appears first thing in the morning and stays in the sky until night.”
Michelle Obama has changed
The first lady, Michelle Obama, shocked the nation yesterday when she appeared in public with a new hairstyle.
Madonna poses nude — again
Singer, entertainer, exhibitionist Madonna posed nude for another new book of photography to show how good a woman can look at her age.
Are O.J. and Jessica Simpson related?
Octuplet mom hints at donor identity
Nadya Suleman gave a clue as to who the sperm donor for her 14 children is. In an exclusive interview with this publication, she said, “His first name starts with a ‘B.’”
Brad could be octo-dad
Brad Pitt denies that he is the sperm donor for Nadya Suleman’s children. Angelina Jolie told the press she is standing by her man. Jilted Jennifer Anniston commented, “It wouldn’t be the first time he did something behind my back.”
Martha in trouble again?
An embarrassed Martha Stewart apologized to her fans today. “This is the worst thing that I have ever done, and I am so ashamed. I thought I had pre-heated the oven at 350, but I did it at 325.” As a result of this transgression, most of Ms. Stewart’s sponsors have dropped her.
Madonna goes for hat trick
Singer, entertainer, exhibitionist Madonna posed nude for yet another new book of photography to show how good a woman can look at her age.
Paris learns something
Celebrity celebrity, Paris Hilton, was shocked yesterday when someone informed her that the capital of France has the same name that she has. She responded, “You mean there’s a city called, Hilton, France?”
Madonna: No more nude pics
Madonna held a press conference today to say that after doing some Kabbalah studying, she realizes that posing naked was a shameful exploitation of sex and she won’t do it again. She attended the press conference in the nude.
Hillary to Bill: ‘Not again’
When rumors surfaced the other day that Bill Clinton may be the sperm donor for the Octo-mom because his first name begins with a “B,” he denied it adamantly. Wagging his finger, he looked right into the TV camera and said, “I did not have sexual relations with myself for that woman, Ms. Suleman.”
There. That should hold you readers of rumors for the rest of the year.
And maybe things will be better in 2010, and you’ll be able to go back to buying the real thing. I think it will be a better year.
You see, this 6-year-old Nostradamus who has a birthmark on his back that looks like Oklahoma told me, … oh, never mind. You’ll probably read about it yourself.
Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Home Improvement” to “Frasier.” He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.