I am not a beautiful, rich, and famous white girl — and I don’t want to be one. As appealing as the job of Pop Princess or Hollywood Starlet might be, it comes at the expense of having a relatively normal love life. From Reese Witherspoon to Uma Thurman and from Jessica Simpson to my Britney, the list of All-American white girls with broken hearts and/or idiot ex-husbands reads like a Who’s Who of box office-busting and chart-topping talent.
Recently, two of the biggest names in the business were added to the roster — one who should get used to being on the list and another who should be used to being on it — and I feel so bad for both Lindsay Lohan and Jennifer Aniston that out of the goodness of my heart, I’m going to solve their problems.
Lindsay is really struggling. Last week, she showed up at Villa with her mother, Dina, and her sister, Ali, and actually threatened the doorman saying, “you’re making a huge mistake” when he turned them away like Tara Reid. I wonder if Lindsay thought, just for a second, “maybe if I hadn’t rolled up with my 15-year-old kitten of a sister and my 46-year-old Cougar of a mother, I’d be in there partying right now.”
Then on Friday night, she was kept out of an event at the Chateau Marmont where her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, was DJ’ing. It was the launch of Samantha’s twin sister’s clothing line and their mother and brother were both in the house. Apparently the Ronson clan are not Lohan fans and the only way Lindsay was getting in was if she “drives a truck through the red carpet or sky dives.” Hot mess that she is, Lindsay showed up anyway. And it took five security guys to make her understand that she wasn’t on the guest list.
To make matters worse, the very next day — with the paparazzi capturing every moment — Samantha changed the locks on the house they shared. Talk about a bad break-up. What has happened in Lindsay’s world when she, an A-list actress who has made as much as $7 million per picture and who is clearly the pretty one in an experimental lesbian relationship, has to release a statement saying she and her anonymous DJ girlfriend are “taking a brief break so I can focus on myself?”
Jennifer Aniston has checked into the Heartbreak Hotel so often that she gets automatically upgraded to a suite. Her latest stay comes courtesy of the recent end of her on again, off again relationship with John Mayer — which is off again because he broke up with her (again) because she may have been a little too much for him to handle (again).
The story goes that Jen may have had a full-on freakout over the fact that John had time to send messages to his followers on Titter, but didn’t return her calls or respond to her e-mail because he was supposedly busy working. I guess it was one freakout too many, and John dumped her when she got back from promoting her dog movie in Europe.
I can almost understand why a rehab-hopping wild child like Lindsay can’t keep a boyfriend (or girlfriend), but Jennifer Aniston is a relatively homebody-ish 40-year-old woman who clearly wants to settle down. It seems to me that if she could just keep her neediness in check (as she reportedly didn’t do with John) and refrain from calling her new man “Brad” (as she reportedly did do with John), it shouldn’t be this difficult.
My advice to Lindsay and Jen is simple, start dating black guys. You’ll feel the benefits almost immediately in your new-found freedom to move around. Right now, it’s probably hard to get from place to place because the paparazzi is everywhere. Black guys reserve the right to get ethnic (or “keep it real”) in a second, and the average paparazzo knows it.
That alone will lead to a 6-to-8 foot buffer zone whenever you’re out in public with your new man. For someone like Jen who may worry that having a baby will ruin her body, being with a black guy makes sense because in addition to also liking her body just the way it is, he’s probably already got kids of his own. And they can both rest assured that their black boyfriends will be just as focused on their multimillion-dollar-per-year careers as they are.
If anyone doubts the fact that a relationship with a black guy is the perfect cure for what ails these women, remember that Mariah Carey had a bad case of the crazies and was the poster girl for Hollywood heartache — and we haven’t heard a peep from her since she married Nick Cannon.
Kenny Mack is a multi-platform content provider living in Santa Monica who is almost finished archiving his past columns at www.ifyoumissedit.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org