With Hurricane Sandy’s horrific destruction, writing about anything else seems shallow. And yet in 72 hours we have a national election that will dramatically affect all our lives.
But first, I want to briefly mention what I was going to write about before Frankenstorm unleashed its fury. (Sandy is such a benign name for a monster storm. Sandra at least sounds harsher; apologies to readers named Sandra.)
I was going to title the column “Mitt is Meat Loaf’s Man,” when Meat Loaf (the singer, not the beef dish) enthusiastically endorsed Romney. The only problem with Meat Loaf’s endorsement is it turns out that he’s not actually a registered voter. Oops.
I was also thinking of writing “Turd Blossom Readies His Return.” It would have been about Karl Rove, George Bush’s strange deputy chief of staff who I always thought had satanic qualities and at a minimum should have been perp-walked out of the White House for treason. (Outing a covert CIA agent and front company asset during a time of war.)
Turd Blossom is a repulsive nickname Bush gave to Rove that was supposedly a compliment, referring to a flower that grows out of a pie of cow dung. (Yuck.) It’s still staggering that for eight years we had a frat-boy president who got perverse pleasure in giving puzzled cabinet members nicknames. (More befitting Animal House than the White House.)
Guess what, if Willard wins Turd Blossom returns with an estimated 70 percent of Bush appointees in a Romney administration. Four years after they ruined our economy we’re giving it back to them to fix? It’s like we have collective amnesia. (As opposed to “Romnesia,” a condition where flip-flopping Willard forgets his past views.) With this gang back in power, if you liked the Iraq war, you may be in for a treat.
Another column that percolated was “Ann Coulter is a Witch,” but I thought the title too vague. Coulter is on the Romney bandwagon only because she hates Obama. (Likewise are Gingrich, who has called Romney “a liar,” and McCain, who has said, “He consistently takes two sides of every issue. Sometimes more than two.”)
Nothing defines Coulter more than an appearance on Bill Maher’s HBO show where she was promoting her latest hate liberals book. Loathing Obama has warped her brain, but not her shamelessness.
Coulter was lambasting Obama for bombing Libya during the last days of Gaddafi when Maher and his guests corrected her. “Obama didn’t drop any bombs.” “Yes he did!” Coulter childishly insisted in her sarcastic tone that makes fingernails on a chalkboard sound like a rhapsody. Finally the other three pointed out to Coulter how completely wrong she was. Oops no. 2.
But Coulter didn’t skip a beat, “Anyway, it doesn’t matter,” she blurted out, and continued hating on Obama. The only saving grace was that the audience thought her combination of ignorance and arrogance was hysterical. (Coulter has since disgraced herself with offensive tweets of “retard” seemingly to anyone who disagrees with her.)
Lastly, I was debating writing about Korean singer and dancer Psy and his inexplicably popular “Gangnam Style” video with 600,000,000 hits on YouTube. You see I inadvertently saw him on Ellen DeGeneres’ show where Psy demonstrated to Britney Spears how to dance “Gangnam Style.” Afterwards I was convinced the Mayans were right, the end of the world must be near. Which conveniently (no pun intended) leads me to superstorm Sandy. (I love how the media gives catchy adjectives to disasters.)
As I watched the torrents of water flooding Manhattan it reminded me almost exactly of scenes from Al Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” which was mocked by right-wing outlets like Fox News. Temporarily suspending the campaign, Obama worked tirelessly with New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie while Willard was busy collecting canned goods.
A frequent critic of the president, Christie had only kind words for Obama, which must have made Willard pull out some of his remarkable head of hair. Actually, because of deficits, Willard called disaster relief “immoral,” and wants to eliminate FEMA or at least privatize it. (If there’s a corporate buck to be made there’s a silver lining to even the worst disaster.)
With Romney if the flip doesn’t haunt him, the flop does. For example, Willard wrote an op-ed advocating bankruptcy for the auto industry. But Obama saved the industry so Willard invents a story about jobs going to China that the CEOs of Chrysler and GM label a complete falsehood. Oops no. 3.
Romney’s theme is jobs, which is odd because when he was governor Massachusetts was ranked 47th. (Unless Willard’s counting jobs he personally outsourced while amassing his fortune.)
In the worst era of wealth inequality ever, how could we elect a plutocrat with Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island income and elevators for his cars? (Instead of “A chicken in every pot,” Romney’s campaign slogan could be “An elevator for every car.”)
If Willard wins on Tuesday, all I can say is thank God my oven is electric.
Romney Gangnam Style can be seen by clicking on this link: www.collegehumor.com/video/6830834/mitt-romney-style-gangnam-style-parody.
Jack can be e-mailed by clicking on firstname.lastname@example.org.